hollaback_
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Christmas was spent with bern and hadri, who were at my house at different times. we mostly lazed about, watching TV. feels different this year, almost as if there was no Christmas. since there was no gradual buildup, no anticipation of festivities. they don't play carols in the cookhouse, all you hear are people
singing shouting "same old shit again" as they march past. (whenever that line comes about before meal times, i substitute the word "shit" with "food". it's quite interchangeable.)
i guess it's also because there's no special someone to share it with. when someone wishes me "merry christmas" or "blessed christmas", i wish they'd change it to "unlonely christmas" instead. it doesn't quite have the same ring to it as the former two have, but that's what's most important. i realise over the years i've craved less and less for actual materialistic presents (which i wouldn't mind though) but longed for companionship instead. mind you, not merely that of lovers, but just amongst friends and family too. which is why i didn't really kick up a fuss when my dad didn't get anything for me, cos he said "i don't know what to get you also". which is a pretty wise move, cos if you ask me i don't really know what i want either. all i want for Christmas is the elusive and universal
you everyone longs for.
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what can i say about that damned island? if you asked me, i'd probably give you a candid account. but i understand the dangers of an anonymous audience here. so maybe i should just share my thoughts and feelings and how it's impacted me rather than the actual happenings.
i'm darker now, which i'm immensely thankful for. the prom pictures scare me because every shot reminds me again and again that i was damn bloody pale before. and that's pretty gross. but i have a healthy tan now! my tanlines include a spectacles tanline as well as a "sports bra" one that arises from wearing singlets during training.
the coarse language didn't come as a culture shock to me. i was absolutely blase about it besides the fact that i'm amused at the way certain people think it induces respect. however, the smoking was the greatest culture shock for me. i thought it was banned, apparently not. why can't they invest in nicotine patches? it does seem that quite a portion of the Budget is allocated to these shenanigans. so it wouldn't hurt, would it?
honestly, i don't think the physical things matter ultimately. mind over matter. tangible things are easily overcome. it's the mental. the psychological barrage one is under everyday. it's very taxing and if anything, that would be the only reason for me throwing in the towel short of breaking a leg. putting up with people 24/7 is a tiring job. if one doesn't even get along fabulously with family that one doesn't even see all the time anyway, how is one to get along with people one has barely known?
perhaps the most humbling experience one can undergo is losing one's hair. i now understand how important hair is (and will start styling it once i am allowed to grow it back, as i now have newfound respect for it) as a facet of one's identity. without it, everyone looks the same. (i just look like chicken little.) and it's hard to tell people apart. i never paid that much notice to it, but it is essential. now i know why men find balding such a shameful thing to undergo.
i miss homecooked food because my mother doesn't ask me how her cooking is, and even if she does she won't ask me to change my answer if i tell her it's terrible. (that's not a problem though since it doesn't suck anyway)
it's going to be a long, long journey. (then again, that was what i thought by april of j1.)
time goes by so slowlyare you ready to jump?
mike just took up your time at
10:50 pm
th time!