hollaback_
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
alritey! i have finally drawn up my revision schedule. and just the sheer amount of work that needs to be done is enough to reduce anyone to tears. i've never done up an actual study plan before in my whole academic life, but what have i got to lose. i'm not used to it, but it's important i guess. this is going to be one helluva ride. it also means that i'll have to condition myself to come online less often since i cannot do without a few television shows, even though it involves the opportunity cost of meeting certain people on MSN. (swoon.) less blogsurfing (nothing to read anyway, everyone's mugging) and less forumhopping for me. i really hope i'll be disciplined enough, the schedule looks insane.
those who run seem to have all the fun.currently, i feel like brutally stabbing a number of people. violent, i know. but that's why fantasies exist. (no, they're not all erotic you know.) highly annoyed at their attitudes. but i stick with the platitudes, hypocritically uttering politically correct niceties, or keeping quiet when i don't feel that civil. the funny thing is, i'm crucifying them for the very same things that i would do and gladly indulge in if i were in their position.
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when i was young, we lived on the first floor in a HDB flat. being little ole' young bored me with nothing to do in the afternoon as a little kid of maybe 5 or 6, i would hang around the window and strike up conversations with the people that walked by. adults thought i was cute. i remember the classic story from my mom, where aunty dolly was so amazed at me that she gave me one of the chocolate eclairs from her shopping bag. she told my mother that she was impressed at my outspoken-ness, or something like that.
and now that i'm done with the whole "starting an essay with an anecdote" GP practice, i'll plunge into what i wanted to talk about. i think self-consciousness is a terrible disease that eats us up as we get older. a younger me had no qualms speaking to people i did not know at all. then midway through primary school i started getting very self-aware, for goodness knows what reason. so much so that it hindered me, i would suppose. i don't know what it was. insecurity about my looks, perhaps? i don't know. i became the introvert that i am. and today, i balk at the thought of talking to strangers.
thank goodness for the Internet then. when i first started using it, i was really into the whole thing. i added people on MSN, ICQ, chatted people up if i wanted to know them. i was quite foolhardy comparatively. but now it seems that the fear of rejection, such a human trait, has seeped into the online existence. (they could never get rid of the
imponderable bloom, could they?) even talking to someone without all the physical discomfort has become tiresome. what if they block me? what if they're laughing at me behind that screen? what if my words are being copy-pasted to someone else? what if (worst case) they think i'm trying to
jio them when i just want to know them as a friend? what if?
after all that rambling, my point is this. even with technological aid, i'm still so damned fucking shy. as we get older we become more reserved, more set in our ways. and maybe that's why old people are all so crabby. i think people are more likely to make new friends when they're younger too. because our world view is not yet fully developed, we are more tolerant and open of things different from ourselves.
i don't want to be old, not because of the physicalities (ok maybe a bit la.) but because i'll be some annoying bugger withdrawn into myself.
mike just took up your time at
11:58 pm
th time!