hollaback_
Friday, July 29, 2005
it's been a few days since it happened, the shattering of a dream(s).
i don't know who to blame. it is easy to be extreme and lay all the blame on someone or another. but never both. then again, it's become a GP cliche, as well as any other humanities for that matter to take a balanced stand and view, or do the whole micro zooming out to macro thing. i find it ludicrous that all the time it takes a combination of factors to cause the downfall of anything, and that no one is immune. i used to believe in that "We are all at fault here" appeaser compromise that sometimes relied on blatant lying and sucking up so as to make everyone satisfied, even though at times it is obviously only a single party's fault. right now i believe in doing the very best in whatever that you do so that you will be blameless. that (cliche again,) your only flaw is your perfection. i'm sick of taking up the slack and the rap all the way through, even after all is said and done, for the wrapping up and post-mortem (why on earth do we use such morbid terms)
whatever the case is, that can't be said for this time. i accept blame for the way things transpired because ultimately how can you excuse someone for failing? let's say you're carrying a heavy bag of something. doesn't matter what it is. if you drop it and it spills all over, there's no one else to blame but yourself. but change the story a bit. assume for a second now, that at every step you took, people were pulling the rug from under your feet. others were tickling you. yet others add weights to your body at all parts that hinder movement and even others were lulling you into a false sense of security about your abilities when you aren't really that great. oh and don't forget the fact that you're in a glass room, the world is watching and secretly thinking really ugly thoughts as you carry your cross all the way to the finish line, but it's two steps forward and three back. considering all the barriers that stand in your way that it is virtually impossible to reach your goal, can you excuse failure now?
in this instance, maybe you can excuse the protagonist for being an absolute fool, in being idealistic and forgetting about the real world situations. that was his real and only failure that set the chain of events. HR allocations and oversight apart, there's really nothing else that he did wrong. he worked hard, he was always a motivator and really believed in (amongst other things) the success of it all. in theory, and on paper everything was fine and dandy, the planning was perfect but not everyone shared the same visions and goals. the original intent was betrayed and thwarted, even if i'd completed it all it would be for the sake of seeing something to the end and not really for what we started out as. people disappoint. people fall out along the way. and what can you do but pick up the pieces and continue trudging on? but when EVERYONE bails on a group project - doesn't really make sense to continue, does it? even if you are insistent on never giving up and never quitting, completing it alone (which almost became a reality, but was soon discarded after a few minutes of mulling over,) is pointless. it defeats the purpose. shit la, i sound like i'm trying to justify this.
you know - maybe this is the mitigation. i never really quit, actually. the gig was up. i played up till the very end until circumstances forced me to stop. it's like playing on a losing basketball team up till the final second. there was no more time left, both there and here. game over, resources were depleted and if you can't finish on time then too bad you lose. good. i don't feel that guilty anymore now. no one can fault me for walking out when the going got tough, because i didn't. i didn't go "hey please sub me out of the team with someone else". god, i was the freaking captain for crying out loud. of course i had to stay there. without the captain the team will fail. but more importantly, without the team the captain is nothing. and so even if i'm not a quitter i'm a failure. woohoo.
i guess it doesn't really matter. it's not as though it was a tradition of sorts. attempting to break the barrier was brave, but didn't occur this time around. no big loss there. it's not like there were expectations to live up to, besides those that i placed on myself. what i lost out on, really, was a much more personal dream. one of those things that seem to be the only remnants of a time long gone. the shreds and threads of a past that still linger in the present. for once, the possibility of getting it was so near and dear. and then i blew it. and now it looks like something i'll probably never ever achieve in my lifetime. although there's this hope in me, of course. i always retain that little bit of hope until it's absolutely certain it can never happen. and i haven't got that outright dashing of hope yet. even if the signs are all there, and even if a total overhaul looks set in a few months. i will not stop hoping till i am told "no".
mike just took up your time at
11:18 pm
th time!