hollaback_
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
a few days ago, my parents came back home excitedly telling me, "hey, we didn't know you wrote a book!" and i thought to myself
wtf, maybe i can write but i don't think any publishing house would actually take a chance on me. so i lazily asked "what book?"
the title of the book was "
Stealth Force, A True Story", with my name fully emblazoned on the coverpage in a gross fashion, because my statutory name is much too long for 1 line and hence was split into 2 lines.
at the back was this,
[my full name] is a young Singaporean who embarked on an extraordinary life in 2005. Opening in the author's home at [my address, including postal code] this book seves as an autobiography of the writer's experiences as a Naval Officer. Managing, motivating and leading men and women onboard state-of-the-art warships. Duties that take the writer around the world. It's a life full of excitement, challenges, and discoveries. A must-read for those who aspire to live life to the fullest. A no-holds-barred, pull-out-all-the-stops thriller."as much as i love my parents, i think age is taking a toll on the acuteness of their mental faculties. there was no way in hell i could ever have written that. first of all, i hardly doubt any publisher would make such a grotesque mistake as putting the author's name in 2 lines on the cover. and they don't put the whole damn name too. james lee who writes those horrid mr midnight stories as some local spinoff of goosebumps doesn't include his chinese name, neither does russel lee(?), the author of true singapore ghost stories. or even lately, jason hahn with his saffy and amanda tales on the local bookshelves. my point it, no self-respecting author would do that, it's just too weird. for crying out loud, not even maxine hong-kingston puts her chinese name there too. then again, she's almost an angmoh herself and not just cos of her white hair. secondly, my name takes up half the spine and the title of the book took up a measly fraction of it. thirdly, there were navy logos printed on the cover twice. fourthly, i'd be mad if i were to put my address on the cover of a book. fifthly, this couldn't have been a true story since i haven't even gone for my medical checkup yet.
i guess my parents were just so thrilled at the fact that my name was actually on a book that they didn't use logic and careful observation to deduce that this whole thing was just a stupid farce. inside, on the first page was written the line "if your life was a book, would anyone read it?" to which i answer in an annoyed manner, no. if my blog doesn't even get daily readership in the 3digit range, who the hell would read my whole life story if they can't even stop by for a teensy one day slice, unless i was madonna or something. and then again, maybe not.
apparently, all the girls get this stupid thing as well. and i'm like wot. i'm sure most of the girls are going for NS. i was vaguely interested when i realised that the book was some silly promotional propaganda by the navy, in the wake of the army's DIY figurine we got some time ago. i thought there'd be lots of info inside, photos or something. the pages were all blank. it was supposed to be some notebook thing, which is really hrrrm. i don't want to risk getting into some other DSTA-esque shit scandal by criticizing a governmental branch, but really. was the amount of money pumped into printing all those copies of this book worth it? on one hand, i applaud the effort they're taking to reach out to us and all, but this looks like overkill, done in not a very polished and well thought out fashion.
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i'm suddenly reminded of samjo's rubik's cube that i had to fix time and again during
saturday earlier on this year, as an analogy for our lives. when the block first shattered, i discovered that there was a central piece that had everything fitting on to it. each and every piece had its very own specific spot where it resided on. isn't that the way we work too? there're some things in our life that we hold true to our heart, that we hold dear, that everything ultimately revolves around. and what happens when you take the centrepiece apart?
everything crumbles.
this year, even though i find myself much more at peace with myself in a sterile campus that many hate but i adore, i discover that things aren't really that rosy as i thought they were. just as last year was the year of failure, this year's theme is probably going to be re-evaluation. in the short span of a few months, there've been too many revelations or events that force me to question what is truly important to me. too many disappointments. i don't know what i really believe in or trust anymore. the bond to things loosened, and what i truly thought was right and would help/save me or at least just aid in retaining my sanity amidst this mess we call life was suddenly all snatched away. but shit, it really came at a most inopportune time. i don't need an extra burden whilst i'm still struggling with other things. i mean fine yeah, find a new centrepiece since the old one is spoilt, but damnit! it takes much too bloody long to find one AND put back everything together again. then again, if you do it often enough it becomes very easy to do. i remember the first time i put the cube back together again i took almost half an hour, later i could do it within minutes. that isn't to say that i relish the thought of constant change, i'm very much quite resistant, as much as i'd like to think i'm adaptable. perhaps to situations, but not my personality. haha, my personality and character's never really changed. hmmhmm oh well.
this kind of reminds me of one of those sermons pastor whatshis/hername used to preach many years ago when i still went to church, something about making God the centre of your life because everything fades away but He's immutable and never changes.. something of that sort. maybe there's something in that after all.
you probably won't read this, although you could be another one of those phuckingphantom readers like they all are. what are you, who are you, i don't even know. it is frightening that i'm using a desperate housewives analogy to illustrate the scenario, but really. you were like the mike delfino to my susan mayer. you came from nowhere, and i thought everything was fine.
it wasn't exactly romance, you were just someone whom i thought i could always trust to make things alright. but no, to quote her "there's this whole part of you that i don't even know about", or something to that effect. so many secrets, that you keep from me. you're not open with me about anything. i don't know how i can trust you although i really want to. maybe you have your reasons, just like he did for keeping things from her like you are from me. but it's just really annoying, you know? i don't know how the show ends (and all potential spoilers sod off), but i think they'll probably get back together despite the adversity. real life isn't so nice. i don't think i'll ever rant at you in that way, you're too precious to me in just the same way that she still harboured feelings for him even after brushing him off. but i've done it all here, all mentally. all in words. i didn't have to confront you, i already have in my mind. i don't know how our relationship is going to develop from here on out but what i do know is that i'm finding it very hard to trust you, so very hard.
in the show, susan told her mom sophie that "mike was
the one", whereas her mom had been thru a string of people. and that's just it. i go through just one person without any other comparison and base everything on just that one person, which was what A (heh.) once told me not too long ago. i guess going through more kind of dulls the pain, since you're so used to it. there's no such thing as perfection, the perfect knight in shining armour coming to her rescue she thought she'd had was really far from it.
fuck, what's up with all these personal posts?
on a separate note, i'm going to thailand this friday. anyone want anything (obtainable) from there? although i'm pretty much expecting a nil reply, as i always do. i never get replies on this stupid blog. no one bothers to tag except the usual few.
mike just took up your time at
2:07 am
th time!