hollaback_
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
omg, i just had
blueberry morning cereal and i'm really grossed out. it tastes really disgusting, especially the psuedo shrivelled up blueberries they randomly toss into the box. i should have just waited for ntuc to restock
banana nut crunch instead of being impatient for postcereal.
***
anyway. i can't help but reflect on all the past mistakes over the years. and after all this time- all i can say is that the biggest mistake, the only one that i can ever, truly. regret, was you. (and oh please don't jump to conclusions about whatever i write. not everything's about you. said person probably isn't even ever going to see this. you're so vain, i betcha think this post is about you. you're so v- i should stop channeling carly simon.)i wanna screw you (up) so bad.it's like this little cancer that builds in me. i think about what happened. and then it builds up. it festers, like a freaking disease. again, and again. the more i think the worse it gets. and the worse it gets the more i get annoyed with your visage, your presence, your very being. i can't get it out of my system. it's not just that, but a combination, a culmination of other things that happened as well. once was one thing. but then it had to come with so many other things. and a sudden realisation. i've been such a fool, really. i was played. and i hate doing this kind of cryptic-slash-angsty posting. but really. shame on you. shame on you, and go to hell. you're halfway there already anyway. ***it's really funny. because you think you've seen something that you like. and then you get all excited. but then recurring circumstances restrict you. 23.99999- it happened first around this time last year. and then again now. right up to the very kind, the very mould. PYTGSE. ceteris paribus certainly applied for Taste. i could probably write a bildungsroman about my life, and include all the echoing of scenes, whatever. the only problem is, there is no development for the protagonist here. the story repeats itself, we all feel a faint sense of deja vu, and then we realise that there were only 2 credits for this stupid game. game over, you lost. now get the hell out of the arcade and go play some games that are more suited your age. like poker in the upcoming casino.
of course, i could always make sure that it happens right this time. even without the help of a game guide/manual. i know where the danger zones are. i know where the trap is. i know where the big bad boss is going to shoot, at the exact location. i know how to vanquish him, i think. i will not make the same mistakes that i made before, and i will be like super mario who rescues princess whats-her-face. except you're not a whats-her-face. you're.. an out-of-reach.
what's the point of all that game-strategizing when ultimately if you don't have certain power-ups you're never going to reach certain levels? i don't know the passwords either. neither do i know the cheatcode, or the hack. and even if i did, there'd be no fun in conquering the game on my own. zc was right, i should probably aim within my means. which also means playing games of my calibre.
it's discouraging to see the long-reaching effects of old mistakes. the ripple effect. you drop the pebble in the water and the ripples keep reaching out, further and further and further. the whole lake feels it. your whole fecking life feels it. time as a continuum is affected. once something happens, it cannot be undone. and it has repercussions that will come with implications, and subsequently complications. even if you want to keep the water still again, it's quite impossible. one unprudent mistake and you can never rebound again. that's the way things work in an unforgiving society. our society. how it works in the education system. not like i'm complaining, i've made most of the "right" choices when it comes to academics. but there are many other things that can't be changed. maybe if i just changed lakes. that might work.
all i wanted was to live it out normally. with a little bit of this, and a little bit of that (i never understood what the hell michelle branch was singing with santana, inane generic lyrics like that) guess it's too late for that now huh. i really, really ruined it all. it was all in my hands, and now those almost-solid dreams are but dust that've mostly been blown away in the winds of time. and there's only myself to blame. goodnight.
mike just took up your time at
1:05 am
th time!