a weighted balloon

2006-07-02T17:00:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i'd taken a totally different route.

if i had gone to HC instead.. ABC would/could/might have happened.
if i had gone to VJ instead.. DEF would/could/might have happened.

but those are but just mere possibilities.

and think about it this way. if i'd not gone where i'd gone, GHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ would not have happened.

so all in all, i made ~~a good~~ the best possible choice out of all that i was offered (a la Econs MCQs).

2006-06-25T15:48:00.000+08:00

i read an article in the papers some time ago. the subject was on "pruning the friendship tree".

in short, the gist is this. people change along the way of life. common points and interests might wane. people drift, and the writer wrote about how she decided to make a clean break from people she was no longer close to. there was no point in continuing ambiguous relationships that wavered between friendship and acquaintancy. so every few years it's time to take stock and trim away the fat, so to speak.

as for me, i've been using the same number ever since the first day i got a handphone. i just deleted many numbers of people whom i will no longer ever be in contact with. you could call it moving on in a way. clearing out the trash, since they no longer figure.

friends walk with you through your life, seeing you through the good times and the bad. they are associated with landmark events, and taking them out of the equation blurs its significance. the question here is, is it right to chop off people like that? or to just let a friendship die a slow death. where phonecalls, smses and meetups dwindle to the point of zero, along with awkward greetings on the streets. got quite a bit of that.

family can't be chosen, but friends can. every friend we make is a conscious choice. there is only so much emotional energy and time that one can invest in others. instead of spreading the love around thinly, would it be wiser to concentrate ourselves on less. when you spend time with some, wouldn't it be annoying to be reminded at the back of your head that there are people you haven't seen in a really long time? maybe the truth of the matter is, you're just not into each other that much anymore. remember the excuses? too busy, not enough time. honey, you're no longer integral.

cut off the unsightly branches that only weigh yourself down. the leaves are wilting. branches aren't the most important parts of the tree anyway. one can survive without so many and new ones grow all the time, but roots are essential. i refuse to uproot old roots, even if they might be decaying. at least they are still grounded in the permanency of the past. these must never die.

if it were up to me, i would be a shrub and not a tree. i want to be full of roots, and do away with the branches.

2006-06-17T12:05:00.000+08:00

if anyone still reads this nowadays, and really wants me to update, then drop me a tag. i will oblige, if the demand is there.

if not, it's time for blogicide.

2006-06-07T12:58:00.000+08:00

debilitating between two domiciles, today i feel like doctor jekyll.

2006-05-26T12:02:00.000+08:00

so the other day i went back to school and caught Shifting Gears. pretty decent acting overall. really loved the 2 Agents and the supernatural maid. loved the set (though not as grand as Daisy's) and the ingenious incorporation of technology into theatre. that was the part which i was most impressed by. didn't really like the way both plays kind of dragged on after a while. there was a climax; the denouement was too long.

seeing so many new faces must only mean one thing - i'm getting too old too quickly.

2006-05-20T01:12:00.000+08:00

the army has taught me how to ingeniously and succinctly combine 3 languages into a short, simple and effective phrase. well technically the last one isn't really a language, but for classification purposes it'll do as one.

"fuck 你 leh!!"

such profundity. oh and another one.

"just 吃 lor!!"

the deft way in which english, mandarin, and singlish are all woven intricately together effortlessly astounds me. the seamless transition from one tongue to the next as the sharp syllables clang against each other resound in a cosmic shattering of our prior understanding of what it means to speak properly.

i am surrounded by caricatures of life, from things that remind me vaguely of mudskippers to other things that resemble trolls greatly. each stuck in its own little swirl of consciousness, believing itself to be right. when really, their levels of logic descend to unimaginable depths. i used to think that academic intellect didn't equate to common sense, but then yongquan reminded me that higher levels of education do indeed train the mind with greater rigour at each new step.

you know the chinese phrase about the frog at the bottom of the well? quite an apt metaphor this time, i think. figuratively and literally.

2006-05-06T01:31:00.000+08:00

something to amuse you, the few who still read in this day and age of insane training in god-forsaken lands, internships to kill the time before matriculation and impromptu roadtrip backpacking holidays with the yaya sisterhoods.

the first one is uh.. nothing to say. the second one's weird. the third one's a stalker. the fourth and fifth.. just tell you that it takes all sorts to make up this loopy world, with its weird fetishes.

and chengchai amused me just now.

m!ke just watch me burn. says:
hey there
Virginia Woolf says:
who is THAT>
m!ke just watch me burn. says:
me la
who else could it be
why?
Virginia Woolf says:
huh but that's not you
m!ke just watch me burn. says:
yes it is
Virginia Woolf says:
are you thinner and tanned?
m!ke just watch me burn. says:
yes.....
Virginia Woolf says:
are you like muscular now?
and you're not wearing specs anymore you vain vain person!
m!ke just watch me burn. says:
no la i still have glasses i just took that pic without specs
can't you see my tanline
i'm uh. more toned you could say.
Virginia Woolf says:
oh wow you've grown into a man!
m!ke just watch me burn. says:
HAHAHA
Virginia Woolf says:
i can;t wait to see you again
you shall astound me!

2006-05-01T17:48:00.000+08:00

i swear i'm going to get a car (or at least a driving licence) as soon as i can get one. taxi drivers could kill. literally. last night i was with a half deaf lunatic who reversed about half a road's length, and overshot a stop line at the traffic light only to reverse back behind it. he also intentionally took a fucking long route to get home when PIE would have been much faster, after getting lost in a labyrinth of carpark mazes in bishan. he also swerved suddenly on the road when he missed the entrance of my condominium when i shrieked "here!" and almost rammed down the wrong barricade because he "couldn't see the taxi word". this made me very annoyed considering it was after midnight, on a sunday. which means a hell lot of surcharge. not surprisingly, it cost even more than my usual taxi fares to camp. which says alot.

it's also the first time i was outright rude to a taxi driver. normally i'm very polite to them. this is the service industry, after all. and what goes around comes around. but for this once, no "please"s and "thank you"s came from my mouth.

last night was also the first time i got a lift from a friend. i feel so adult. ian's car was nothing flashy, but it was a good feeling nonetheless. i feel like i've moved on to something bigger in life. some added touch of maturity. this will continue when i can vote, and when i can watch R rated movies. but as for now, i enjoy being a manboy, in the interim age when i'm not a teenager, but not quite an adult yet. (oh god, how britney spears.)

back to the topic of driving. public road driving this week. it's so ironic that i'll be driving a 22 ton pile of metallic junk before a real car. but then, it should be easier when it comes to the car, right? i want a flashy car. it won't be just the chicks loving me.

2006-04-23T19:08:00.000+08:00

the sound on my computer is down, and that means all my downloaded episodes cannot be played, since i would be watching a mute performance. neither can i listen to music! i have taken to transferring them to my handphone for perusal - yes i am that desperate. (ipod's not being used cos it's a bit screwy, and thinking of upgrading from a mini to a video soon anyway)

but you know, i don't really feel that bad that i'm missing the shows. in the past, i would have. but right now i'm really blase about it. i couldn't care less and i'm just happy that i have the opportunity to sit here and feel my fingers against the black, squarish keys. i guess that tells you how much i care about things in general these days.

tomorrow, i will begin to go back for physical training after being excused the past week or so. on one hand, i dread it greatly. especially since i'm behind everyone else. on the other hand, i hope to goodness it'll be useful and i can fucking book out early and book in late instead of the other damned way round.

fulfill their shitty criteria.

2006-04-22T18:24:00.000+08:00

because something has just happened to make me extremely upset, i shall come up with a meaningless musing that has absolutely nothing to do with, and is far from the matter that's bugging me.

i shall dissect lyrics from boyband songs! tearing them down in their inanity, proving to the world why they are an almost extinct breed. (damn those cockroaches!)

(taken from as long as you love me, by backstreet boys)

I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me

this makes no sense to me at all. because for people as popular as them (or at least during their heyday), they would have LOTS of people who loved them. are they supposed to get into polygamous relationships with every single one of them?

besides that, this reeks of desperation. is one to accept any tom, dick, and harry that comes along? (insert female equivalents for male readers, since the only one i can think of is harriet.) i would definitely give a damn about what kind of person my partner is. would you love a pus pool? i don't think i could. neither could i accept a bigot. there is definitely something wrong with this song and if anyone should croon this tune to you, you might want to evaluate your self-worth since s/he might be doing it wrong.

next up, i feel bad doing this to savage garden because they're not really a boyband per se, and their songs are usually much more decent. but this line really bugs me!

I knew I loved you before I met you

i've got a simple question. how do you love someone/something that you don't even know exists? this baffles me. unless we take it to be literal, meaning that you might like an online friend (heh..) and fall in love even before seeing each other in a real setting. or the first "you" might be in reference to an idealised concept of a lover, which has been actualised and manifested in the second "you".

ok i take this way too seriously. but this immersion in frivolity is good for distraction.

2006-04-15T02:42:00.000+08:00

could you please just leave. nothing's ever good with you around.

and i found the cause, though i'm not exactly sure how to explain its occurence. this is mortifying, yet strangely satisfying to pinpoint. i hope i am not ruined.

2006-04-14T12:10:00.000+08:00

i think i'm almost in the clear, which is good. i don't like living with the threat of death hanging over my head. the saying goes, "to live each day as though it were your last". but i think i would rather live each day knowing hell yeah i'm going to live to a robust old age as a hearty senior citizen and die of natural causes in my golden years. but that's just me.

life should be looking better. and i stress, should. because after having a sobering wake-up call to the frailties of human life, one goes back into the mire. and it's hard to stay positive when there's so much negativity surrounding this place. where falling out because of any reason whatsoever is met with an instantaneous chaokeng! because either 1. people're jealous that they can't slack as well (case in point : someone who immediately told the Medical Officer the moment he saw him that he had "muscle inflammations", which was something someone else was diagnosed with just 2 days ago, for real. no one speaks like that in normal, everyday slang. least of all someone who isn't good in english - weird bugs is cheem angmoh!) due to their ineptitude in such tactical manoeuvres of malingering. or because 2. people are just too stupid to believe that injuries or illnesses can be legitimate.

oh, and superiors whose first thought is that one fails a test on purpose just so that one can attend to more urgent, life-threatening matters outside of an artificially stiff environment. granted, a rafflesian shouldn't fail a stupid test but neither would a rafflesian fail a test on purpose, intellectual pursuit and academic excellence and all that jazz. (not studying is one thing, studying and intentionally underperforming is another which i doubt any rafflesian with any pride would ever get down to) just wonderfully positive, it is!

and so, i was complaining about this to my mother the other day whilst we were having lunch. i was in my uniform, and my wild gesticulating induced by hysteria at the aforementioned superior's accusations on personal integrity caused a mishap with a cup of iced milo. then the most bizarre thing happened. a man who was walking by at that moment stopped, leaned in and over, looked me in the face, and pointed out in a highly grave tone,

"boy, you have dirtied your uniform."

NO SHIT !!!!

he pointed out the most OBVIOUS thing, as if the useless breath of one-liner could dry my pants, or worse still, as if i couldn't feel the sinking, soaking feeling seeping through my (thankfully) camouflaged pants. in such a ridiculous moment of absurdity, i could only mutter "i know" because the situation left me utterly flabbergasted. i didn't see what the point of that was, maybe he thought his older man eyes were sharper and keener than my National Slave eyes, and if i am blind to the brown stains i must have lost my sense of smell and sense of touch as well. (not an utter impossibility considering the noxious fumes i inhale everyday) ugh. but the fact that i wear that getup means i'm supposed to be the bastion of integrity and honour, as some sort of ambassador to that organisation, that i'm supposed to treat any civilian with respect and dignity, shut me up.

but really, people should learn to reign in advice or help sometimes because well-meaning or not, it could be very much unnecessary and unappreciated. as the chinese saying goes, yuebangyuemang.

2006-04-09T11:50:00.000+08:00

if i died tomorrow or next month, how many people would feel sad? how many people would even care. who would miss me, and what would my funeral be like? will i be the talking point of mouths that are bored for the next month before the next unexpected young death?

i may be dead soon, and nothing about this is a joke.

2006-04-09T07:12:00.000+08:00

i definitely espouse healthy eating, if it's as delicious as this! cereal, bananas and raisins. wouldn't mind being a vegetarian if vegan meals were all so scrumptiously tasty. this is the kind of thing i get up to on a boring, cold, sunday morning. experimentation! (not that sort, of course.)

yumyum

if anyone's even remotely wondering what the fuck i'm doing with my life these days, then click on the link, here.

yeah, the sole picture provided doesn't do much justice to that beastly behemoth. so maybe this might be better. i'm just surprised there's so much information readily available on the web. and they tell us that we can't take the manual out cos it's restricted. gee.

and i've gotten a new phone! specifically for use in the army, since it has no camera. i had a non-camera one but it was really old and the keypad was getting cranky. it was the one where the top could be flipped open to reveal a keyboard. and when you have to rely on that half the time it gets really annoying. especially when you're in a rush. so i love this one cos it's not only a slim candybar, unlike the previous chunky one, but it's also got this nice feel to it. the back feels like car leather. lol! and the best thing was that it cost nothing at all since my brother had to renew his plan so we decided to conveniently procure a new phone at the same time. the games look decent, and it has bluetooth which is VERY important. no radio, which is a bit of a downside but ultimately i love it!

waiting for university application results is nerve-wracking. i really don't know what i'd do if i don't make it to that course. i suppose there are paths aplenty that one can take, but that one seems the most alluring at the moment. and it would be nice to know that one has something to look forward to after all this surrealism.

life is getting better, i could get used to this i think. i'm just not very sure what i'll be at the end of the day.

2006-04-02T19:58:00.000+08:00

on a very trivial and superficial note, i find it so fucking annoying that i'm losing my precious tan! the one that i cultivated so lovingly during BMT. the very nature of my job in the army now dictates that for the most part, i will be lovingly surrounded by all sorts of machinery in a little compartment, fighting off claustrophobia desperately, chugging along happily safe and snug, in a closed hatch hidden away from glorious, glowing sunlight UV rays!

and it had to come when my hair's growing back. so i either have no hair, with a tan. or hair, with no tan. can't have one's cake and eat it as well. this is making me one very unhappy boy indeed.

ah well. my job's really slack and stressful at the same time. that's highly paradoxical, but i kid you not. transporting people in an armoured personnel carrier's about the only thing i do. but at the same time the lives of 10, 11 people are in my hot little hands. and it's too heavy a responsibility that i don't enjoy carrying as a burden.

my life is now at a standstill.

2006-04-01T18:51:00.000+08:00

i find that these days, i don't even like to blogsurf that much anymore. long chunks of words put me off, unless they're written by me. i skip and hop to various online journals to merely skim through the lives of others who are all cut off from me. just to get a gist, a gist. that's really all that's important nowadays.

my life is void.

2006-03-26T13:53:00.000+08:00

the hung up - get together - sorry opening trilogy on Confessions on a Dance Floor chronicle the start and end of an obsession. absolutely applicable here. what a smart woman, she is.

2006-03-25T19:31:00.000+08:00

this is one of those times, when i wish i was a bleeding girl. (no pun intended) admittedly, these times don't come often. but when they do it really seems like the grass is more verdant and luxuriantly green on the other side. gah. right now, i just have crappy shit grass to contend with. not good, not good at all.

blogging about the army these days is not only boring, but potentially fatal. an expose threatens to explode through my hands, but i value my future more than my idealistic journalistic tendencies this time. BMT was all fine and dandy to talk about, but i need to watch my words more these days so- zip.

in any case, i have this suspicion that i'm going to end up as an empty shell of a human being by December08. scared into being a mindless drone with no heart. perhaps that would be physical manifestation enough. what you see is what you get, you can't sweep that under the rug. it would probably be too late by then. even if i broke it down into stages of a few months here and a few months there of different training programs, it's fucking long!!

i guess there really isn't anything worth talking about then, since censorship has now become an absolute prohibition.

maybe later.

2006-03-20T01:20:00.000+08:00

still packing with the end nowhere in sight.
applications not done yet either.

yet all i care about right now, is the desire to call you mybaby.

someday you will find me
caught beneath the landslide
you'll wake up one day
but it will be too late

2006-03-19T17:11:00.000+08:00

things i have done in the past few days

1 watched Army Daze, thanks to dear K. great acting, but a disappointment with regard to the show's being true to life and therefore unreliable claims of "research being done to make the show more true to today's army"

2 rushed scholarship applications which i think was an utter waste of time since i haven't gotten any calls yet.

3 tried carl's jr. a tad overrated in my opinion, maybe i need to make better choices in the future.

4 came close to buying some nice books, but didn't because i thought borders would be cheaper than kino and i went to the latter first. kino was cheaper, but i was too lazy to go back again because my shoes were giving me blisters. borders is only good if you want a place to sit down, because kino has a much wider selection at better prices.

5 went to esplanade to check out Mosaic and laughed at this psychotic act cool guy who does choreographed mtv rock concert moves, and whose forehead kisses his organ. (fuck the last part sounds damn wrong)

6 briefly acquainted (about say 10 seconds) with a retard called Vanessa, whom i think i'll never be seeing ever again in my life, thank god.

7 plucked up my courage to do something, despite knowing that the chances of success would be almost nil. not giving up though. not now, not ever.

8 went clubbing and got drunk; no details given not because i don't remember a thing, but because it's not prudent to.

9 dentist's review; good to know that my diligence and discipline with my retainers is paying off.

10 ian's birthday party thing which was also a chance for the platoon to catch up and talk shit. watched part of the infamous "tammy" video, which was a huge snoozefest. i wonder if the guy feels relieved or disappointed that no one even gives a hoot about him, since everyone's just obsessed with his really ugly ex-girlfriend (while we're at it. she has no boobs, and the part where he was working on that area looked like a gay sex video). it must be pretty sad being an unknown amateur pornstar, fading back into middleclass obscurity. at least tammy has the option of going down the same road as annabel chong. then again, an imbecile who goes "ew! i see blood" probably doesn't deserve any fame (or infamy) whatsoever. don't mind me, just musing.

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my template's screwing up and that is making me a very unhappy boy indeed. how are people going to tag! or link to other blogs! or access my archives! ):

and i must say that i never knew pop culture could be so educational! seriously, you think many people knew what "vendetta" or "emancipation" meant before natalie portman shaved her head and mariah carey decided to be a screaming comeback queen? or how about "vindicated" and "prerogative". this is so unfair. this is why i do not like pop culture. what's the point of being educated when un-educated half fucks can learn things by the graces of some random, slutty pop tart.

why "vendetta" anyway? why not "viagra" or "vagina"? or even "virginfuck" or "vasectomy"? i think hollywood should just stick to selling sex instead of cheeminology. works much better.

-------

tomorrow, it finally begins. BMT was good cos everyone was still together in one place, and it felt like a home, in an odd way. seeing all those familiar faces was comforting.

now, with most of the guys going to command school and the remnants scattered all around singapore, it's going to feel much more alien and lonely. apparently, travel time to where i'm supposed to go to will clock about 2 hours. not very good when i'm supposed to report at 8 tomorrow.

i know i'll make new friends and everything will end up fine, but it's just very intimidating at this point in time. this is where the real NS begins.

2006-03-18T16:39:00.000+08:00

if you're ever gonna get drunk, do so in the privacy of your home. not outside.

i would like to expound on what i've just said but the explanation would be too funny/embarrassing to be published in hard, tangible words. ask me, if you're curious. haha.

will blog more later. ugh, too many things to do, too little time to finish them!

2006-03-17T17:45:00.000+08:00

grow up and get lost.

2006-03-14T12:39:00.000+08:00

amused.

brian was complaining to me last night, on the graces of his precious handphone battery, about his predicament in camp. as a new enlistee, he was rudely shocked to find that not only is he the only RJ student in his platoon - he's the only one from JC! oh and while we're at it, he's the only A level graduate in his company. then again, there's only one platoon in his company at the moment, but that's not the point. it was meant for grandiose effect.

now, if that happened to me i think i would probably stab myself with the nearest bayonet - a la Portia in Julius Caesar, since i don't want to die but just be on Attend B for about say, 6 months or so. or maybe not. i wouldn't want to be a damned recruit for my whole life on BMT recourse forever.

"why are all the songs here about death and genitalia?!"

he was also going on about the terrible food (what's new), like the rice being hard, and the tea in the morning tasting weird (i do agree, it's too sweet. but the milo and horlicks taste worse). he also did a Jerri (V. Survivor 2, Australian Outback) and expressed his cravings for scones in the morning. and how the first thing he's going to do when he gets out is eat a proper meal, such as Crystal Jade.

which company are you in?

oh, Scorpion. which were you in?

Raven.

that's so inauspicious!

well i think the name Pegasus is really silly. what do you think?

i think they should rename the companies.. like Prosperity, Fortune and Harmony..

....you do know that this is going onto my blog, right?

brian, when you do read this, everyone else would already have. =P

---------------

myheritage is really funny too.

according to the first picture i submitted, i am

64% Janet Jackson
60% Jennifer Garner
53% Charlize Theron
51% Lee Young Ae
51% Michael Caine

according to the second picture i submitted, i am

73% Kate Beckinsale
62% Ben Affleck
61% Josh Hartnett ( wooot! [= )
61% Katie Holmes
60% Jessica Alba
58% Adrien Brody

i tried a few others and got some random interesting entries such as Carrie Underwood, Nicholas Tse, J K Rowling and get this - Gong Li. Thrice.

i always knew i had rather feminine features. must've been a vindictive geisha in my previous life, though some would claim that's what i am now.

2006-03-13T08:41:00.000+08:00

after the "24k", the skin that sloughed off the sides of my toes has grown back in an ugly, haphazard way. there's also a blood clot on the sole of my right foot which i can't be bothered to get rid of, since it's not killing me. random, unnecessary revelation of the day! (:

anyway, when i went for NUS' open house last year, there was no method to my madness, and it only served to put me off being matriculated there. but now, times have changed and in all honesty, i don't mind at all except for the fact that it reminds me of a gigantic, labyrinthine version of the RJ Mt Sinai campus. which just doesn't appeal at all. but i have faith in its academic rigour - and it goes easy on the pockets.

SMU's got a really nice campus and that would be a bigger factor of consideration than their academic programs. you may laugh, but i really believe that the environment plays a big part in learning. this is why i had absolutely no mood to study in J1. i know many people hold fond memories of that rundown junkhouse but i was more than happy to leave the dingy dank darkness. how can an institution inspire academic pursuit when its very being inspires soporiferous tendencies . the only problem with SMU is that its campus sprawls out in the damn city, so you don't know which building is part of the school, and which isn't. even though NUS sprawls too, at least it's all confined in one place. i had a hard time finding out where the open house was when i visited SMU, so there's a negative point for it.

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The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.

But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

yeah, i always figured i was an emo indie flick waiting to be discovered, a diamond in the rough. it ain't glamorous, and something only a few people appreciate fully.

2006-03-11T03:39:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i ~~feel~~ act like a bulimic slut. i kid you not.

oh and aggression is never overrated. it pays to be a forthcoming go-getter, not an indecisive pussy. i'm moving on to something else... sort of.

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what's up with all these search results that i see by teachers from my alma mater(s)? you won't even know who i am! i've never been taught by you i probably just made some random passing comment about you. and the best thing is, i'm not even in ri or rjc anymore so uh- i highly doubt i'll be talking about you ever again. toodles, auspicium melioris aevi!

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you won't even begin to understand how Happy i am that the bluetooth on my phone is working perfectly fine again. finally, an actual use for the camera phone.

2006-03-07T23:30:00.000+08:00

POP loh! having my birthday fall on the day i POP was good, not only for practical, birthday-dinner-with-family reasons, but also because it's highly symbolic. to be older, and promoted at the same time. i do feel i've grown stronger, physically and mentally. i've achieved some things i never dreamt i would before i became a soldier. and i've definitely learnt to appreciate exercise. yeah, it makes me look better but that really isn't the point. it contributes to mental fortitude, really. as elle woods in legally blonde said, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy". and everytime i run, all that sad emptiness is washed away. or maybe i'm just too tired.

i guess it was a good present to be able to leave that funny little island, and all the fixed timings of entering since access is only available via ferry. it feels like a graduation of sorts, onto other things. but not really. normally, it would be moving on to bigger, better things (as well as paychecks) but since i ain't trotting over to OCS, i'll be toddling to some random unit, and that doesn't strike me as very comforting. at least previously, the mire was contained, it was like this happy little world. very artificial and manufactured, but still. contained and secluded on a separate island. there was something exclusive about it. mainland units, on the other hand, are so close and yet so far from everything we would consider near and dear to us. it would probably be like being stranded in a sea of quicksand. it sucks and pulls you in slowly, but there's no end to it.

i think i can begin to understand why the commanders always say that BMT will be the best part of NS life. meaningful, i'm not so sure about, but memorable it is. just hearing stories of life after BMT are enough to freak. going through the grind for 1.75 years seems like a really long drag. i don't think i'm really looking forward to it.

--------

anyway, being 19 is a funny thing. it isn't a landmark age. it's not like sweet 16, or reaching some form of adulthood at 18, or 21. neither is it the big three-oh, which i'm still some time off. it's an odd number, and it's a prime number. it's really neither here nor there. not an adult, but not really a teenager either. nonchalance surrounds my birthday, aside from the fact that some people, thankfully, still remember and offered me presents which they are unfortunately unable to pass me unless we meet up.

debs did put it into perspective for me though - " Enjoy the last year of your teens "

this will be the last year that my age ends with "teen". from then on, there's no such thing. i think i never really enjoyed my teenagehood enough. i went out, but not that often. never really partied. never really did stayovers. never really had 'brothers'. i never had some kind of wild fling-a-ding-a-ling, going "i love you baby and i wanna be with you forever and ever and ever and-" and end up breaking up three weeks later. i haven't. i haven't done enough stupid things yet. actually, i have but they're not for public consumption. in a twisted way, i haven't been hurt enough yet. and there's something wrong about that. because a sheltered, vicarious life is a virtual life.

and my life won't be complete without hurt.

so here's to a last year of sanctioned stupidity and suppressed maturity! more puppy love and crazy crushes for me, because pretty soon i'll just look really pathetic engaging in such behaviour. acting one's age is such a cliche, one should act one's age group. age is just a number, but whoever really believed in that?

2006-03-05T02:12:00.000+08:00

Games Day and Recruits' Evening weren't too bad, although it's kinda funny how i felt tired despite not doing anything at all. must be all that standing around in the sun. MDC's performance was.. frenetically energetic to say the least. but somehow it reminded me of the thai mambo show that i watched when i went to thailand. not really sure if that's a good thing, even when you disregard the lower (but still present) level of tackiness.

graduation parade rehearsals have degenerated from shittiness to laugh sessions because of the guy who repeats himself ad nauseum. "let me tell you this! you must be like a matchbox, not an MRT train! if you don't do it well, let me tell you this! i will make you stay back until dinner, let me tell you this! you better not peng san, if not your girlfriend and family will be embarrased, and then they can go to the medical centre to put on your jockey cap, let me tell you this. so let me tell you this, you better play with your fingers and play with your toes, because if you are not good let me tell you this, i will put you behind, so that no one can see you, let me tell you this.. you hear for yourself! where is the PAH one sound. i don't want to hear PAH PAH PAH PAH PAH"

you get the picture.

24km march was apparently 27.2km. not like we could have ascertained it, anyway. but it definitely FELT more than we should have done. it was quite the experience. i mean normally route marches are gruelling affairs but there was something more magical and special about this. maybe because it was done school level, so to see all the companies marching back into the parade square past midnight was rather emotional, seeing everyone complete the last barrier before POP. i almost cried! hurhur. "we start with 40, we end with 40." indeed.

--------

with regard to my results, some scholarships are definitely out of the way, although i would still be eligible for some. my results fall that way, anyway. i'm just not sure if that's the kind of thing i want to be doing for life. it's so hard to plan for your life, when it's a long journey that you walk alone. you've got to make all the preparations, but really no one ever knows what's really going to happen. my horoscope says that typically my ambitions are more personal than anything. which is kind of true. and i end up trivialising my career ambitions. not very smart there, but i'll work out something.

after all that procrastination, i guess i will check out brightsparks. no harm in doing so, anyhow.

--------

life is pretty much pointless these days. i used to not care so much, because everyone was stuck anyway. the results weren't out and everyone just went with the system of conscription or getting a tempjob. there wasn't anything else i could do, so keeping myself occupied was fine with me.

now that i have results that granted aren't excellent, but can still bring me most places, i don't want to be stuck here anymore. damnit, the girls will be studying soon and i'll still have more than a year of liabilities by then. highly depressing.

on a separate note, i think i've lost my bitchy side. someone was annoying the fuck out of me just now, and in the past i would have ripped him to shreds. this time i felt like i was just defending myself more than anything. mellowing, sometimes, is not a very good thing to happen. i feel like i'm growing old too quickly, there should still be some years of zest left in me. and even then, that's not an excuse. even really old people can be really woohoo! sometimes. i need something.

famous faces, far off places, trinkets i can buy
no handsome stranger, heady danger, drug that i can try
no ferris wheel, no heart to steal, no laughter in the dark
no one night stand, no far off land, no fire that i can spark

the face of you, my substitute for love
should i wait for you, my substitute for love

this is my religion.

2006-03-01T18:32:00.000+08:00

utterly insane.

nearly 60% of the school population achieving 4As.

as expected, i wasn't part of that distinct elite group. not exactly pleased with my results, because there were obviously some disappointments. but kind of relieved and happy. you would be too if you were me, considering the amount of effort put in as compared to others.

breakdown

english lit - i always figured that i would get an A at the end of the day, (arrogance i know, but a little confidence never hurt anyone) except after one paper during the exams when i felt really screwed up. i'm not sure whether i'm supposed to attribute this one to skill or luck, because i wasn't very diligent for lit.

history - i've hated this subject ever since i stepped into the gates of RJ, and to this day i have piles of notes that have yet to be even touched, let alone read. added to the fact that i did a question that was out of the syllabus, i think i'm pretty damn lucky.

maths - the biggest disappointment, especially after all that effort at the last lap. but in the bigger picture, an encouraging end.

econs - one of the greatest miracle stories ever. aside from a single spark of brilliance for the very first common test in j1, i've never performed. of course, this success must be attributed partly to mrs tan as well as tuition teacher. but still! the most satisfying grade. my love for the subject is vindicated in this grade.

gp - another disappointment, although it could have been anticipated, unlike maths. i think the choice of essay topic was the nail in the coffin. a little bit here, and a little bit there in comprehension and everything's finished. an accidental atrocity, but oh well. could have been that number, but it was this number. it's all about luck, don't you know?

lit S - i had to shit halfway through the paper, and as a result didn't finish my essays. someone up there must be watching over me.

it's up to you to figure out what i got. i'm not really that much into direct, public shows of exhibitionism these days. more into the subtle. booking in soon, so i can only think about my future more thoroughly this weekend. whee!

2006-03-01T10:59:00.000+08:00

the funny thing about me is that i can be the most thoughtful, caring person. and also the most heartless and cold. i tend to be shifting more to the latter though. and that's today's obligatory tearing down of any little reputation i have left.

results in a few hours time; just fuck me now.

2006-02-25T23:22:00.000+08:00

i just spent 2 hours poring over a video tape, technician-style. my interaction with it has proven without a doubt that i definitely do not have technical aptitude whatsoever. you're probably wondering why i was so worked up over a stupid video tape. well, apparently the tape in question had Desperate Housewives 202 (bittorrent speak for season 2, episode 2) on it (according to my brother anyway). but for some reason, the tape was broken. you know, that flimsy brownish long strip. torn. split. so the data couldn't even be read at all.

so there i was, unscrewing and dismantling the tape, bringing it to pieces and trying to tape back the 2 broken ends of the tape. and then after i did that, i had trouble CLOSING the damn thing because of some protruding parts. when i finally got that out of the way, i realised that i hadn't put the 2 spools in the right position. and after i finished troubleshooting for that, stupid me decided not to put in the hard plastic flap on the opposite end of the side where you write a description of the show. so i put the tape in without that protective flap and tried rewinding it. i almost created a disaster inside the VCR machine.

when i finally got everything in order, and managed to get the tape working, i discovered that the tape was full of cartoons and anime. WTF!!! my brother is such an idiot. what an incredibly stupid waste of time. i fixed an old, defunct tape and still haven't gotten to watch that episode cos our tapes aren't labelled, and even if they are they're terribly outdated.

--------

this week, in tekongland!

IPPT fucked up, embarrassing ~~performances~~ spectacles at the bar and the mat. 50 situps in a moment of madness. improved by about 8 seconds for 2.4 quite happy with the last 2, considering i was on 'excuse' status for about a week and thus had absolutely no training for the week before the test. i also drank 3 milkshakes (oops) within that time period of training break. so.. it's not that bad i guess.

rather uneventful week, really. oh, peer appraisal. teehee, finally a chance to get back at some people! like shoobeedoobeedoop! and other annoying characters. am definitely looking forward to doing that for the commander appraisal too. it thrills me that i can just give a rude face/ignore some of them on the street in about 2 weeks time!

hmmm. also went for the Weapons System Officer interview for the Air Force. amazingly, i passed the interview. i say "amazingly", because i wasn't even that keen on it. seems like i do better in interviews where i don't really give a damn about the result. i go in much more relaxed and calm. the most bitchy interviewer even remarked that i looked very "cool and confident". perhaps that's a strategy to follow in the future.. or maybe i'm just very adept in the art of talking cock now.

--------

we've been waiting for it for so long, and now that it's here we're not that keen anymore. i'm kind of predicting my grades in the most realistic way possible.. and i hope i won't be too far off the mark. i know my S paper is an absolute lost cause, so screw it because it's only important for scholarships. shan't announce my predictions here cos.. you never know how these things work. might just jinx it all.......

oh hell. what am i even talking about? it's already all printed and confirmed, waiting in some chamber in buona vista. there's no way those grades are going to magically transform.

--------

anyway, Army Daze is back! i must be quite the psychic to mention it a few posts before. and no, i did not read about its re-staging anywhere. i REALLY want to watch this, especially since it will be on during block leave. it would be such an appropriate moment to go. now, i just need to find some people to accompany me..

2006-02-19T16:28:00.000+08:00

on a whim, i bought this :

damn ghei sia.

--------

i can't stand it anymore. some would call me foolish, some would call me desperate even. but i don't care. what i want for my birthday is something that starts with a B. there's nothing more to it.

2006-02-18T23:14:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wish it would all be better. but i understand what "too little, too late" means. so tough luck, you missed your chance dude. better luck next time. things just keep going on and on downhill. but it must work out someday. it has to, right? one day the fortunes must change.

on a sidenote that only i understand : astrology must be crap if two people with totally different personalities are born on the same day. one who's the apple of my eye, and the other who quite simply, isn't. how can that be possible? this utterly disproves astrology and all that horoscope stuff.

something that the first person just told me has utterly changed my perspective. ugh similar life goals, after all. some intersection there. astrology must have some truth to it.
-------

today, we rediscovered this.

i guess after years of hit-and-misses (twister fries, fan-tastic shit burgers and chicken foldovers), they realised that the public just wasn't "lovin' it" enough. terrible mistake to remove milkshakes from the menu, and this revival comes with mixed feelings. for most of us, the mcdonald's milkshake is an iconic reminder of childhood (yes, it was gone for that long.)

however, it is sad (and somewhat expected) that it just ain't that good anymore. unfortunately, mine tasted like melted ice cream. in the past, they used to be frozen so stiff that sucking it up immediately after it was ordered was almost impossible. one had to wait awhile for the thing to defrost. i'm hoping that it was the faulty machine at pasir ris with temperature a few degrees higher, and not because of a recipe change. you know, living the "healthy lifestyle" and all. they probably wanted to round down the calories so that the 3 digit figure would end with a "99"

meanwhile, this woman's suggestive lyrics could be heard in between mouthfuls of milkshakes-

oh, try this and this out won't you. it's interesting to see how much our own views match up to the views of others. and if they don't, is it a matter of acute lack of self-awareness, or keeping one's true self hidden?

2006-02-12T01:22:00.000+08:00

most of the major events of BMT are well and truly over. after field camp and live range, there was the annoying SIT test, where people you never knew had it in them (and know will never have it in them) suddenly arise from nowhere and start speaking out like they were natural-born leaders. and the rather thrilling hand grenade experience - especially when you only learn how to throw it on the day itself. (that's not a common experience for all, only for me. but well, i survived and here i am.) unfortunately, or fortunately for some, one only gets to throw it once in one's whole army life. that is, if one doesn't go to command school.

all that's left now is the 24km route march (survivable), IPPT and SOC (ughfeste). sometimes i ask myself if it's worth all that trouble to make it to command school, and then suffer again for another 5/9 months. i really wonder.

overheard during a talk-cock session

"sergeant, sergeant. do you think it's worth all that effort just for 2 years?"

"there's still reservist what. imagine how the uncles feel when they get fucked by little boys that are 20 years old and just got their rank?"

i giggle, but that isn't the point.

--------------

god, even in the military world, there's no such thing as true duh-dom. you've still got to plan for your future, think about how you're gonna survive later on. climb just a bit higher on that bureaucratic heirarchy. floating by's quite unlikely unless one's a urine test-tube swirler at CMPB or something.

back in the concurrent, parallel civilian world which i have been utterly neglecting (read: not planning for and bothering with university/scholarship applications; not meeting up with people and friends) things are looking pretty grim. one has to realise, that although the military world seems so immediate and looks set to be a perennial annoyance, it is ultimately not something that will (unless our neighbours decide to just trample over us) preside over our lives.

what i am trying to get at, is the impending release of results. it's horrible to come from the top JC because everyone sets high standards for you. from homeground, and outside too. at least if i were from some shitty JC, it wouldn't matter. there would be no real feelings of disappointment, since there were low or no expectations to begin with. i'm expected to do really well in the platoon, but i don't think so. there's a really bad feeling surrounding this whole thing.

i shall just have to hope for the best.

and now, a picture to end off.

turn to stonelose my faith
i'll be gone
before it happens.

2006-02-11T23:34:00.000+08:00

(from Aparna's blog) Go to your music player of choice and put it all on shuffle. For every next question, press next. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

01. What do you think of me, iTunes?
magic stick, l'il kim and 50 cent

02. Will I have a happy life?
unwritten, natasha bedingfield

03. What do my friends really think of me?
can't buy me love, michael buble

04. Do people secretly lust after me?
hung up, madonna

05. How can I make myself happy?
lose control, missy elliot, ciara & fat man scoop

06. What should I do with my life?
dancing in the moonlight, toploader

07. Why must life be so full of pain?
life in mono, mono

08. Will I ever have children?
it's like that, mariah carey

09. Will I die happy?
sing for the moment, eminem

10. Can you give me some advice?
toxic, britney spears

some of the answers seem really uncanny in the way they could directly answer some of the questions, not something random that has no connection. oh well. sometimes the meanings we get out of our lives are forced meanings - derived, interpreted and construed for our own purposes.

2006-02-02T17:36:00.000+08:00

and in this life, we only need one.

......
......
......

people are like tissues, all the same and only used by others.

2006-02-01T02:58:00.000+08:00

got a new template. i think it's less cluttered than the previous one. i liked the previous one with its colourful boxes, and everything squished together in small little squares. but the small font wasn't that popular, so here we are. the picture really reminds me of Heart of Darkness. it's got that dark yet beautiful, mysterious air about it.

updated the links a bit. got rid of some defunct blogs, as based on others' linklists, and changed some of the links too. candy, i added you! oh and i added the prompics too. that cute little flashbox thingum. under profile.

trip to malaysia was quite laidback, as it has been the past couple of times we went back. this was especially so since i've been feeling quite feverish ever since i left camp and it's still recurring even now. it's an on-off thing. i hope i get well before SIT test!

and my parents' friends are such nice people to give red packets to people they've never even seen before! really love the plastic $2 notes.

----------

when i was younger - about 4, 5 years ago.

i asked someone, i forgot who, but it doesn't really matter, whether we would still use MSN when we were adults. i think the reply was that we would since the world seems to be getting more and more connected over the WWW.

i think differently.

i hardly see anyone online these days. i'm not sure if it's because of necessity or because of choice. whether there is even time, or when there is time it is spent on more worthwhile endeavours than rotting away in front of a screen. and it is true, adults do online chatting less too. is it any wonder? only students have such carefree lives.

i never really saw the importance of blogs when i was still in school, despite engaging thoroughly in it. people see each other everyday, anyway. not so anymore. a blog is an important tool to update people on what's happening in your life, especially when people lead separate ones. holding on to the past while moving on to the future. now wasn't that some rafflesian ethos, what with the double-headed gryphon and all. (see, i paid attention during sec 1 history class.)

i figured that the best way of living one's life is to immerse oneself thoroughly in the here and now. the present. it doesn't last long, and it's the only thing that one can enjoy fully by interacting with it in all ways. tell a loved one you love them, and get an instant show of affection. savour it. living in the past, or the future for that matter, works for some people. people who can't let go of their regrets or halcyon days, or people who always dream of a better future. i guess at different points, i was either one or even both. but it's quite.. pointless. it's a one-way experience that reaches a dead-end. faded cards, or an uncertain ORD date. you dwell on it, and ignore the things of the present, choosing instead to wallow in the mellow histories of yesterday, or look to the great days ahead without a thought of how one will reach there. i'm not saying that the past or the future isn't important. they are important relative markers, but they are just that. markers to illuminate the current path. how we should live our life as compared to before, and how we should live our life for better times.

bah, how pretentious of me to talk about being an adult when my age hasn't even dropped the "teen" part yet.

----------

this is my rifle
this is my gun
this is for fighting
this is for fun..

.........the sun is shining like you knew it would.
how could it hurt you when it looks so good?

2006-01-31T23:14:00.000+08:00

i don't have to add anything more to this.

2006-01-27T23:50:00.000+08:00

gong hei fat choy to all! (who still read)

so i'm here blogging now, when almost everyone else is back sleeping in the bunks. no, not because i'm sick, but because i got special treatment! hurhur. everyone going overseas in my company for CNY got to book out a day earlier, which is actually a day later by normal standards, since by right bookout should happen on the same day as the end of Field Camp (thursday). but because of some "special CNY lunch", it got pushed to saturday morning. i get to leave friday evening! yay.

talking about the "special CNY lunch", it was a marked improvement for their standards. instead of one piece of meat, we got 2! a chicken leg and a duck leg (LOL) as well as a cold (as in, just take out from the fridge kind of cold) char siew soh as well as a curdled egg tart. oh, and an additional fried wanton. smashing! guess i can't complain, the food is usually not as good. was a bit disappointing, but expected after all that buildup, especially since we had to stay back longer just for it.

guard duty was really fun, and boring at the same time. all we did was patrol (prowl) around the whole campus at least twice, for 2 hour shifts with 4 hour break intervals in the span of 24 hours. i guess i've already completed my 24km route march, and those who can still count after math is no longer central to our lives (trying not to get F) will know roughly how long the perimeter is. i was happy that i was in the team that was walking in the other direction as the other team, because that one had to do all the checkpoint motions, which basically involves wielding a metallic dildo-like rod thing and shoving it into metallic plates so that a red light flashes, indicating that the checkpoint has been passed. at some places, the route gets really dark, which made things especially creepy at night. like the time my partner and i walked past a flickering street light which lit up after we passed it, in a different colour (white) from the rest (yellow). but i survived, so there. during the breaks we played card games, and tried to catch up on a bit of sleep, as much as we could on dirty-looking beds and mouldy, bloated pillows. they did provide bedsheets and pillowcases, but we decided to make do with the beds, and threw the lumps pretending to be pillows aside.

------

i am glad to say that i have completed some of the integral things of BMT, such as field camp and live range shooting. although there's still live grenade throwing as well as SOC. shooting at the live range is better than the air-conditioned simulator because the targets are bigger, and they take time to come up (About a second, not to be scoffed at) instead of flashing instantaneously at the screen. the only thing that sucks is wearing the earplugs. the sergeant whom i got for my first round was really nice, because he asked me if i was scared at shooting live rounds. i wasn't, because i have shot them before, just that i'm scared of the earplugs falling out (lol) and he gave me a new pair! this is another thing that puzzles me. in a war, who's got time to wear earplugs and eyepatches?

on the whole, i think i did ok. unable to get marksmanship, because i'm just not that great. not a "bobo shooter", but not a sniper either. oh and night shooting was really fun, it just seemed more surreal and cool, and the fact that it's "Own Time Own Target", which basically means the target won't go down after some time, but will stay there until you finish all your rounds. i fucked up my very last one because the assistant didn't flash his torchlight properly, and in the rush of it all i slotted my magazine in the wrong way, and when it was finally remedied, i was too thrown off to shoot those last 4 rounds properly. i missed them all. annoying bugger. but it was a great experience, besides the horrendously long waiting time. because i'm in platoon one, and there are four platoons worth of people, you get the picture.

------

field camp really wasn't as bad as i expected it to be. i just saw it as an extended sec one orientation camp cum OBS outdoor thingum. throw in some of the stuff that i've done before in NPCC, and it didn't seem very bad. apart from the combat rations. none were good, some were ok, and the rest were highly disgusting. cold meals sealed airtight in dark green packets that have expiry lifespans of about 2 years i think. eaten without utensils, just tear, squeeze and chomp.

extremely weird things that i am thankful i never have to do in my daily life include sprinkling powder over my faecal matter after i'm done so that the smell won't be that strong, and then covering it up, or shower in a three by two metre makeshift shower area with ten other people within 3 minutes, or strip down to my underwear and slippers along with forty-over other people and powder myself to high heaven on the rest of the days when a water bath is not a luxury.

don't let anyone ever fool you into believing that you'll lose your brains in the army. on the contrary, you exercise it more than ever. there's just so much to learn all the time. such as battle formations and file formations, as well as how to spy and camouflage ourselves with flair and effectiveness. true, there's a lot of physical stuff but the brain works really hard too. there's a constant inflow of information, and processing done. so don't be afraid of going stupid and becoming a mindless drone. the only caveat in all this is that the brainpower is working on a military, kill or be killed instinct, not a quiet, academic one. when people said that learning was a lifelong affair, they weren't kidding. randomly, i am rather amused by the 4-second rule, which basically means that while in a battle, you can't be standing up for more than 4 seconds, like when you move from one tree to another, because that's apparently the average time it takes for someone to aim and shoot. but it's not as though everyone shoots, or runs in unison. that part didn't make any sense to me at all, but oh well.

the last two nights would probably rank very high on the Weird but Ultimately Memorable and Interesting List. we had 3 campsites, and those two nights were spent at the last one. on the second last night, we reached the campsite in the evening, and so we had no tent roofs for that night. we just lay on groundsheets. for the previous 4 nights, it didn't rain. it only had to rain on that Very night! so there we were, at 1 in the morning, rudely awakened by a downpour that lasted over an hour with no shelter, huddled under our raincoats and close to each other, boots soaking wet and us shivering vigorously. that was especially strange considering someone remarked before sleeping that we were lucky it hadn't rained yet. hot milo in the morning never tasted so good.

i must say though, that that cannot hold a candle to the last night. we had to dig these one-man trench-like thingums called shell scrapes. their size is supposed to be standardized for easy replacement of men (ie, when you die, the reinforcement that arrives will be able to fit). you're just supposed to lie in there and shoot, because it's a defensive setup. the soil of course, is piled up on either side of it. when you imagine this on a macro level, it's like a graveyard. and yes, we had to sleep in it for one night. and because we had to use these black sticks that look like bubble tea straws called out-of-fire sticks to mark the outline, they looked like joss sticks at a grave. add to that certain people (including me) burning candles in the shell scrape to keep warm, and it really heightens the spooky graveyard effect. i felt like a zombie when i got up. hmm, zombie army. i think quite a few people got stepped on. thankfully mine was near the corner of the boundary, which meant less chances of that occuring. oh and i got picked to do sentry duty that fateful night, although i only did it for half the time before i had to scoot off to do my business (no one checks anyway, all the commanders themselves are sleeping). as i was squatting at some random tree, i heard someone coughing from a direction where there shouldn't be people. and that wraps up my one and only supernatural experience during outfield.

hrrrm. i want the fieldcamp photos! got to obtain them somehow. i look good in camo paint. =P it was so funny that we would preen ourselves and apply on more "makeup", asking each other if we looked good, glamming ourselves as much as we could before hamming it up for the camera. (on a little sidenote, some fuckers are such annoying camwhores, when they're so fugly, not even hulk-green cover and three haphazard black lines could save them. if you wanna camwhore, at least look good.)

you know, i'm really keen on obtaining the Army Daze movie, or the playscript. might be quite hard though, it's been 10 years since it came out.

the best thing that has happened so far this year, is that i treated my family to dinner at a restaurant. feels good to pay the tab for all, in an odd way. and i guess it's about time anyway. i really do want to earn more than just a measly $350 a month though.

leaving for malaysia tomorrow for a few days, so ciao.

2006-01-14T16:01:00.000+08:00

tonight, i will be going back to that accursed island to embark on my second confinement period. actually, it should have started tomorrow but i got caught brushing my teeth after lights-out last night, so here i am with barely an hour or so to go before i have to book in again, to do punishment guard duty.

well at least i'll never have to do it again, and i won't need to do it with certain characters thank god.

in all honesty, the prospect of fieldcamp sounds very exciting! but i would REALLY have appreciated the rest break including tomorrow instead of returning almost immediately after booking out. i'll appreciate my CNY one week break, thank you very much.

----------

sometimes, the army really amazes/amuses me. i don't think i've ever heard of satay pork before. especially since satay is a malay dish. hmm.

and you'd think people who passed their NAPFA would be more in control of their bodies and be better at drills and marching and not be psychomotor freaks. apparently not.

see you at the end of january!

2006-01-08T16:25:00.000+08:00

You scored as Sociology.

You should be a Sociology major!

Theater		92%
Journalism		92%
Sociology		92%
English		83%
Dance		83%
Linguistics		83%
Psychology		83%
Philosophy		75%
Engineering		67%
Anthropology		67%
Art		58%
Biology		58%
Mathematics		58%
Chemistry		33%

What is your Perfect Major?
created with QuizFarm.com

2006-01-08T13:27:00.000+08:00

coming of age.

you don't need to join the army to be a man. you know things are different when your EZ-Link card doesn't make the doublebeep noise anymore, but has been modified to generate just a single defiant one.

you also know that things are different when you hardly get any more money from your parents, and your main source of income is this thin hard object and random yet strategically placed blue booths in singapore.

------

Zouk was disappointing.

------

the appeal of getting into a relationship lies in the fact that there is someone for one to rely on, always. in theory, anyhow. "till death do us part, in sickness and in health" of course, religion could always provide the same security, and even more. but for those who are sick and tired, sometimes religion gets somewhat questionable. to the skeptics, it is merely a human construct of the mind in mass, widespread proportions. but this isn't about religion.

sometimes i-

i wish there were 2 of me. since my life feels that way sometimes.

2006-01-07T21:14:00.000+08:00

i know why life is so scary now. because really, it's a journey we walk alone.

but for now, i'm just gonna go out, and hope it'll be fun tonight with the others.

2006-01-02T17:26:00.000+08:00

i think it'll be pretty fun when the new recruits come in in a few days time, more people to see and talk to!

oh, and also the fact that i would probably be able to leave the stupid place halfway during their confinement period. =P

2006-01-01T23:01:00.000+08:00

first post for the new year!

the transition from 2005 to 2006 was a nasty one, because i wasn't even out. in fact, i wasn't even up! i just slept thru the whole damn thing. got a bad case of the flu and sore throat. i've been sick twice in the 3 weeks i've been in the army. i actually started out fine, but eventually i fell too since everyone around me was getting sick. and you know unless you fully recover you'll get a relapse. which i suppose is what's happening now. hmm, need to bring multivits and probably a facemask for sleeping. with all those germs circulating about everytime people cough at night, it's probably a good investment.

i really don't like reporting sick. people give you a funny look, and the commanders instantly assume that you're trying to slack off too. and what do you do when everyone else is training? oh, you merely sweep leaves and trash and do area cleaning. i didn't agree to National Slavery just to be a roadsweeper! it's really mundane, and i would much prefer taking part in the training. oh well, just my luck.

everytime the commercial planes fly by i feel a sense of awe. and sadness. like there go all the free people, able to do whatever they like, and here i am slogging away, being treated with suspicion from all angles. the fighter jets on the other hand, are somewhat inspirational as something to strive to.

i'm just glad i've found some new friends that i can trust. they make life in the hellhole that much better.

---------

what resolutions do i have this year? i really don't know. never really bothered with them much anyway. so what would i like.. OCS would be nice. and so would getting the love of my life. i can't really think of anything else. but then again, these things aren't totally within my reach, so they're not so much resolutions as they are goals and dreams.

ok actually there's really only one resolution that's really important to me. i need direction, i need an aim or a goal or something to work towards. and i mean long-term, like what i intend to study in the U and do as a career. i know it's abit of a tall order, but nobody got anywhere without knowing what they wanted. right now, i'm just living the days by without giving a damn about my future. that has to change. by the end of this year, i must know exactly what i want to end up as and start working towards it.

2005-12-26T15:31:00.000+08:00

Which Tarot Card Are You?

You are the Chariot card. The Chariot has the energy to succeed. Their ambition and drive leads them into competition, and they often come out the victor. The fast-paced energy of the chariot is met with the ability to control and lead. The Charioteer's leadership is not authoritarian but rather an attempt to bring their team to victory. The Charioteer can be obedient to those who have proven themselves in a position of leadership. Physical prowess and activity are important to the meaning of this card. Travel is found here as a journey of personal growth. Moving from one point to another in attempt to find a better place may be taken both literally and as a metaphor for the inner self. Take

2005-12-25T22:50:00.000+08:00

Christmas was spent with bern and hadri, who were at my house at different times. we mostly lazed about, watching TV. feels different this year, almost as if there was no Christmas. since there was no gradual buildup, no anticipation of festivities. they don't play carols in the cookhouse, all you hear are people ~~singing~~ shouting "same old shit again" as they march past. (whenever that line comes about before meal times, i substitute the word "shit" with "food". it's quite interchangeable.)

i guess it's also because there's no special someone to share it with. when someone wishes me "merry christmas" or "blessed christmas", i wish they'd change it to "unlonely christmas" instead. it doesn't quite have the same ring to it as the former two have, but that's what's most important. i realise over the years i've craved less and less for actual materialistic presents (which i wouldn't mind though) but longed for companionship instead. mind you, not merely that of lovers, but just amongst friends and family too. which is why i didn't really kick up a fuss when my dad didn't get anything for me, cos he said "i don't know what to get you also". which is a pretty wise move, cos if you ask me i don't really know what i want either. all i want for Christmas is the elusive and universal you everyone longs for.

----------

what can i say about that damned island? if you asked me, i'd probably give you a candid account. but i understand the dangers of an anonymous audience here. so maybe i should just share my thoughts and feelings and how it's impacted me rather than the actual happenings.

i'm darker now, which i'm immensely thankful for. the prom pictures scare me because every shot reminds me again and again that i was damn bloody pale before. and that's pretty gross. but i have a healthy tan now! my tanlines include a spectacles tanline as well as a "sports bra" one that arises from wearing singlets during training.

the coarse language didn't come as a culture shock to me. i was absolutely blase about it besides the fact that i'm amused at the way certain people think it induces respect. however, the smoking was the greatest culture shock for me. i thought it was banned, apparently not. why can't they invest in nicotine patches? it does seem that quite a portion of the Budget is allocated to these shenanigans. so it wouldn't hurt, would it?

honestly, i don't think the physical things matter ultimately. mind over matter. tangible things are easily overcome. it's the mental. the psychological barrage one is under everyday. it's very taxing and if anything, that would be the only reason for me throwing in the towel short of breaking a leg. putting up with people 24/7 is a tiring job. if one doesn't even get along fabulously with family that one doesn't even see all the time anyway, how is one to get along with people one has barely known?

perhaps the most humbling experience one can undergo is losing one's hair. i now understand how important hair is (and will start styling it once i am allowed to grow it back, as i now have newfound respect for it) as a facet of one's identity. without it, everyone looks the same. (i just look like chicken little.) and it's hard to tell people apart. i never paid that much notice to it, but it is essential. now i know why men find balding such a shameful thing to undergo.

i miss homecooked food because my mother doesn't ask me how her cooking is, and even if she does she won't ask me to change my answer if i tell her it's terrible. (that's not a problem though since it doesn't suck anyway)

it's going to be a long, long journey. (then again, that was what i thought by april of j1.)

time goes by so slowly
are you ready to jump?

2005-12-25T12:41:00.000+08:00

i tried uploading my prom photos on flickr, but for some reason it insists on showing the photos in reverse chronological order despite the many rearrangements and edits i have enforced onto it. oh well. maybe i'll fix that some other time. meanwhile, i'll just post up some of the pics where i look better/that i like.

yonghui when she's not in her usual drab PE clothes.

one of those pictures where everyone looks good. nicole and i.

bing and me. identical shirts omfg!!

i look really happy here. with grace.

mel and i. one of those people i've known for eternity.

i look really happy here too. with fairuz.

CUS!! good times. hoho

a sizable proportion of the class, including mr tay.

shirin and i. i hope Nasty skips this picture if she reads this entry.

abigail. one of the few full-length shots i have. unfortunately, it wasn't taken with flash. fortunately, it makes me look darker.
two people with two very nice smiles. =) derrick and i.

another failed attempt at getting a full class photo. but i think we got all the girls this time at least.

eugene loves this photo =P

2005-12-25T03:05:00.000+08:00

a while back, some people were screwed for posting up pictures of army training online on their blogs. therefore, i need to think it over before i blog about my experience over the first 2 weeks. you never know who's reading.

prom pics are still not uploaded, but will be done before the year is out.

and Narnia was ok, not too bad.

shall update more soon.

2005-12-23T21:41:00.000+08:00

edit : i just listened to Jump, and i feel better now.

i've just returned from camp, and have discovered an interesting trade-off.

i feel macho, but i no longer feel that excited listening to Madge. i'm not sure what to think about that.

2005-12-09T12:45:00.000+08:00

by the time you read this, i'll be on tekong.

(you know, i always wanted to do one of those "message from the dead" things but at least this isn't as morbid, and God willing, i will return safe and sound.)

i must say i've got really conflicting feelings about this. in the days leading up to ~~enlistment~~ conscription i've alternated between feeling excited about this new chapter of my life, and wishing i was a girl. my timeslot has no one i know going in, even after asking around. so it's good since i'll be knowing people outside the rafflesian circle (at last), and even if they're rafflesians i probably wouldn't know them. on the other hand it's quite intimidating. reminds me a bit of survivor where you need to form alliances quickly.

i'm glad i'm going in early because i don't need to plan out my days, and won't be wasting much time. there's not much you can complete in a couple of weeks. not a real job, or internship. just a lot of bumming around. but this is a bit too early. it's like 2 days after prom and it really isn't easy to be positive when you're inundated with feelings of regret, nostalgia, ennui and emptiness. well hopefully the emptiness will be filled by something then. just hope i don't turn back into a pledge-spouting, anthem-singing musclejock. (wouldn't mind the later part.)

thanks for all the goodluck messages and well wishes. i really need it. if you told me to take NAPFA now, i'd really be justifying my early presence in camp. it's that bad. well, at least the consequences of a sedentary lifestyle are finally catching up with me and the most important thing's that it's not fatal.

i hope i don't die. i'm not afraid of the ghost stories, or being posessed or any of those other nonsensical stuff you hear/read about. i'm more afraid of the real things. things that we know for sure are definitely bigger problems, not the possibility of the supernatural. anyway the place is new and renovated so they probably exhumed all the spirits already. it's just the things like. not being able to fit in. getting picked on by the officer. freak accidents while exercising/on exercises. realising it's terrible despite valiantly keeping up an optimistic outlook. (happened the past 2 years) i know all things come to pass, but before they do we have to experience them first.

going into the army is like putting life on hold. you're stuck inside, and the world goes on outside. the girl friends go into university, the brother and cousins grow up.. and what about oneself? metamorphosis? is that what you call it? quite an apt metaphor when you think about it. boys, grubby and gross. turning into men, mellowing with age and with the ability to fly off and take on the world. i think i should take a photo of me and the family before going in. it just feels weird to be in a sort of stasis, to be getting older yet not really. it's borrowing time yet stealing it from us all at once.

i'm so sorry i won't be able to post the prom pics until quite some time later. it took me some time just renaming them, uploading them online will take an even longer time. which is not a luxury for me right now. this entry was created hours before the publishing time (which is supposed to be my enlistment time), and i haven't even packed yet. so i'm pretty screwed in that sense. i really must get rid of this habit of procrastination and doing things last minute.

thanks for reading and i'll definitely be back to update. just don't expect any within the next 2 weeks at the very least. =)

prom night

2005-12-08T15:35:00.000+08:00

Samba de Amigos. i don't know where the dancing was besides matin's over the top provocative performance and the other dance king/queen nominees', so that sure was a strange theme. the funny thing about the singaporean imported version of prom is that there's no date for the night. if there were, i think council would have to be prepared to make a loss. that said, it was a flurry, flighty mess of affairs for me. oh and randomly, i think my second favourite colour now is red. i realise i have quite a number of red things. as brian would say, i sure am in the Christmas mood. and it's a good thing i didn't accept him on his $100 dare to wear a star on my head the whole night.

timeline

1525 : in town, had just collected my shirt.

1630 : after much searching and buying of other stuff, found a saloon in Far East.

1735 : finally done my hair, mad rush home via taxi. fuck you, taxi driver for going via the normal roads instead of the ECP. fuck you, fuck you and i hope your tire goes flat one day and you swerve into a tree and die.

1805 : wtf am i doing here when the ticket says to be there in 10 minutes time!?

1830 : matthew drops by in a taxi because i know he was the only other soul in the East planning to be late

1855 : arrive at the Ritz, joshua picks me up at the lobby so that he can keycard-lift me up to his class suite for me to dump my stuff in. speaking of which, the keycard thing is DAMN annoying. great for security, but not good for events with mass movements of people.

1905 : head downstairs, and it all begins.

-------

thanks to my idiocy, i arrived much later than i should have and i didn't get to take as many photos as i would have liked to. i missed out some people, and didn't even get to see them that night. apparently they were there, but the place was just too big, crowded and messy i guess. and it's also harder to bump into someone if both of you are moving about at the same time. but i got photos with the more important people that mattered, so that's good. ok not really, i missed out one there but i didn't want to miss that person out. unfortunately due to complications i had to.

didn't really eat my food. i did for the first few courses, and then came back at intermittant intervals to grab a few bites here or there. anyway it wasn't fantastic fare. such as the soup. i was wondering where the vinegar was when i realised that it wasn't really shark's fin. nice chicken, nice fish. didn't eat the noodles. the "desert" was cold and cummy.

hmm, and i was quite flabbergasted to see my shirt appearing so often. i saw it on 3 other guys, one of which was bing who was at my table haha. talk about embarrassing. but at least it's a nice shirt, and it looks good. so much for being unique. i guess that's where my hair came in. happy that it was money quite well spent, since everyone thought it was nice.

matin didn't wear his kilt as promised, so there weren't really that many interesting getups on guys that i can remember. eugene's turtleneck was a bit different. and i think dyed hair should be done in moderation, not excess but that's just me. as for the girls, hoho. some girls looked much more stunning than they usually do in normal life. yonghui in a gown was fabulous. on the other hand, some of the other girls didn't look that good. i saw quite a number of boots and i'm sorry, but the first thing that i think of when i see boots is patriciamok-ahlian. very few people can carry off boots properly and with style. there were also some really trampy dresses, some very aunty-having-high-tea-at-fullerton people, and even a blast from the past back to the Victorian age! thank goodness for being a guy, it's much harder to go wrong.

the emcee was annoying. don't you find it funny how they all have that same, generic, host-y voice? his booming voice "livened" the event but got rather grating after awhile. and bena going on stage was damn funny. oh and i liked some of the performances in particular..

i must say that RJ's prom was more fun than the grad night at RI, in a vacuous, superficial way. i look better in pics this time, and i took more. and i like taking photos with girls cos of all the interesting stuff they wear. and there was a girl who wore a suit! joshua's classmate. but she refused to take a picture with me. oh well. ay but RI post events were much more fun, cos i had a room then. this time around it was just cubbing at DXO which in a way was even worse than the one at chinablack cos it was ladies' night and the podium wasn't open to guys and hence the space wasn't properly utilised, making the dancefloor extremely squeezy. i have a blister now. and they closed at 3 which was retarded, and i daresay the music was worse this time around cos there definitely was no Hung Up. i'm still waiting for the day to shake my booty to a madonna song!

took a cab home, got back about 430 and woke up past 12. there's just something very sad about it all. i can't really put my finger on it but it's very depressing. after the high feelings die down, what is there left? a quiet, dark, noiseless house. i always feel that way after getting home late from something exciting. just like after all the drama performances and the PostProductionDinners. and it's even worse then cos there are flowers, which are physical manifestations of a short-lived, wilting beauty. at least after prom you just need to strip, and you won't be reminded constantly everyday of a glory that once was as the flowers painfully die a slow death.

i'll try to upload the pictures, for everyone's easy reference. especially since i won't be online soon to send pictures around. but aiya damn wasted la, could have taken more. remind me not to be late for my University prom, ok?

2005-12-07T12:30:00.000+08:00

you know, when i had a dream months ago about the school prom being held malay void deck wedding style, and me wondering around aimlessly despite the nagging knowledge in my head that i hadn't gotten an outfit, it didn't occur to me that it would be an actual portent of things to come. the hours sped by quickly as i wandered around the tables like a ghost. the skies darkened and i knew i had no proper attire but i just persisted on floating about.

hours before the event, i haven't collected my shirt nor have i completed other things i was supposed to do before.

2005-12-06T23:56:00.000+08:00

i think i can honestly say that i know orchard road inside out now. after all that horrendous walking for days on end, and almost ending up with nothing, town seems much more familiar. but familiarity really breeds contempt in this case.

hmm. need to delete old photos in camera. charge batteries and get extra new spare ones. and figure out a plan of action for afterProm. don't wanna be cinderfella.

--------

i got my own ATM card today. a bit slow, i know. too lazy to get one earlier on. but at a good time nevertheless. if i'd gotten it any earlier i'd probably wipe out my account in a matter of days. but since i won't even have the chance to spend and i'll be earning something, it shouldn't be that bad since my account'll be replenished somewhat.

and it was quite stupid cos the teller asked me to enter my PIN number into the thingum today. and i was like "huh?! aren't you going to give it to me?!" i thought they assigned some random 6-digit number, turns out you concoct your own on the spot. goodness, the things i do. everyday i'm beginning to feel more and more like a ditz facing city life. just like Margery, the titular Country Wife. but i have a nice swanky blue card! so i'm not complaining. HIGHLY convenient.

and heard on the bus the other day..

"she threatened to cut my allowance.. and i said you give me ten dollars i'll just buy cigarettes.. wah she damn unreasonable.. yakyak"

i hope my mom heard all that. then she'd be thankful that she has a son like me. despite our differences and occasional verbal or physical skirmishes, i'm far less troublesome. comparing oneself with shit always works wonders for the ego.

2005-12-06T00:08:00.000+08:00

i am a spoilt brat when it comes to shopping. of course it wouldn't have happened without kayhian's good graces. THANKS for the reccomendation!

fuck prom, fuck shopping, and fuck extremely large caucasian cuttings.

right now, i'm in the state of mind where i feel like doing something extremely nasty to orchard road. but i shan't say it here, since you know. big brother is watching.

2005-12-04T02:40:00.000+08:00

edit: they DID play hung up. i just wasn't there by the time the playlist got to it. oh well. next time, then. and randomly, the chinablack logo reminds me of hullett house, what with the chinese character for black being black in colour and all.

wellwellwell.

it came eventually. my first clubbing experience! omg i sound like such a dork. it was much better than i expected it to be, although it wasn't that great since i'm not buddybuddy with majority of the folks there. i can understand why some people would do this every week, it's just not really my thing though. too smoky, and too much a strain on the pocket. uhm.. and didn't really like the music tonight. would have loved some variation from hiphop/RnB (like hungup HELLO, but that's not part of the stated genre so oh well.) but it was still good. saw some old friends from RI like frank, my namesake (heh) and caleb. oh and i finally got to see kaihui after such a long time, albeit at such a strange location. thanks yiggy/weixian/whoever.

highlights:
- dancing, or at least trying to is quite fun.
- hot lesbian liplock action
- fatwomanthing jiggling and jiving on the whatever you callit.
- grinding against someone *smirk*
- E Y E C A N D Y

i can't help this, but HAHA at eugene for getting bounced for attire. saw it coming in the morning already. well you got your wish of not paying the midnight surcharge! =)

i think deb would be highly amused, especially since i was supposed to lose my clubbing virginity with her. =P

ugh my head is throbbing, and my clothes smell of smoke. i don't feel sick anymore though. things to do things to do! haven't gotten prom clothing, nor have i cleared out my room or gotten at least 4 badges in Pokemon. still have about 6 episodes of QAF to go argh only 4 more days to finish it all! gotta catch'em all! goodnight.

i wish we could still talk..

2005-12-02T15:38:00.000+08:00

was in town yesterday for awhile, after the "class" lunch.

i'm bored of this whole prom shtick, searching for something nice to wear. since the odds are great that someone will wear the same thing as you. (although no one did for grad nite at RI...) it's like why bother. and i guess it doesn't really matter that much for boys. i would suppose it does for girls since the chances are infinitesimal. therefore finding someone with identical outfits would make it that much more devastating. so maybe i should just settle on one of those nice shirts at Zara or FCUK.

in any case. wasn't that inspired until i was on the bus home and brian called me. i think i have some idea what to get now. not sure if it'll work out though.

and if you thought the heartland malls or Fareast were the best places to find bengs and lians and stuff. you'd be surprised. Plaza Singapura was absolutely CRAWLING with them. i even saw this adoloscent gang. the leader was probably 13,14 max. it was just so weird looking at them. and i think i stared at them a bit too much. even if things are small, in large numbers they're scary. think locust swarms. and besides i'm not that tall myself. so it was quite intimidating, whoops.

kids these days. much more precocious than we were.

2005-11-29T23:57:00.000+08:00

ok, so it ended today. and then?

i went home after the paper. well, not before heading to the Question Paper Collection Centre (which will now be known as QPCC) and scrounging for my haphazardly jotted down thoughts for the very last time. i wonder why they bother putting it there though. QPCC was abandoned, with boxes full of scripts that no one wanted anymore. actually, it's always been that way since the start of the exams. i remember there was one time we'd finished a paper and it had been raining. the papers were soaked and wrinkled with dampness. even the security guard doesn't give a shit. so it's not really that much of a surprise. it's just that today is it you know. it's THE final day. and there will be nobody coming back..

i wonder why i bothered writing my name on my Lit S paper, since i'm not coming back to school. worse still, if Mr Purvis picks it up and i become a new object of scorn for the next 5 years and more. (you would be too, if you wrote LOL and DAMNIT!!! on your question paper.)

so yeah. a short detour to QPCC which was really just an exercise in futility. it's not like the O Levels where you can wahhh. and ooooh. and ahhhh. years later cos you know you got 90% for A Maths. so not the case here, why do i need a reminder of rubbish times. QPCC was a site of abject abandonment, and even though eugene disagrees i think the sight of it was very poetic. anyway, headed to my locker to empty it for the final time, and i was out of school.

i spent the rest of the day playing Pokemon Emerald version. hadri would approve. although i think i made a wrong choice for my beginning pokemon. the plant ones are always the weakest. and the ugliest. ok i know this sounds weird, but it's quite challenging ok! especially without a guidebook. and i need to like, enjoy my youth while i still can. they say the army turns boys into men. sounds scary enough.

and not so randomly: i hate stupid sensor toilets that flush and churn and splash out disgusting water into your ass when you're not done shitting. finito.

2005-11-27T02:09:00.000+08:00

chocolate liquers by Anthon Berg. my latest indulgence. about the length of your thumb and shaped into bottles, hollowed out and filled with alcohols of all kinds. this is naughty and nice at the same time.

(geez i make it sound like a writeup to the latest avant-garde fashion.)

2005-11-26T16:25:00.000+08:00

it's raining now, the windows are slightly open and the wind is coming in.
i wish i were out there now getting drenched.

there's something very primal about it, don't you think?

2005-11-26T01:46:00.000+08:00

only you and only you and only you.

2005-11-24T02:30:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i'd like to think that the past 2 years have just been one very long, extended nightmare. image building upon image. and it's like a bad remix. the final result always turns out worse than the original.

i think i can safely say that the theme of 2005 was Decline and Fall. ok, i don't really know what Evelyn Waugh's book was about but it just sounded apt. actually Fall From Grace would've sounded more impactful but we know that's not true since there was nothing great to tumble from to begin with. everything that could possibly get worse, did. what really improved? i lost a good friend. i gained some other friends, but i wouldn't exactly call them close. i gained several terribly unexciting and disturbing epiphanies about myself, which i won't go into detail here. i did something really stupid at the beginning of this year. which i regret wholeheartedly but i will never forget. and i might quite possibly have spoilt my future in the past one month.

maybe it's too quick to say anything. there's still about a month left to the year. but really, how fantastic could BMT/PTP get? and the reasons that got me all excited to be enlisted seem to be fading away quickly now. i don't know if any of these feelings are right anymore..

i guess i should just enjoy the remaining days of my civilianhood.

-------

just for the sake of future reference, and not your most probable malevolent voyeurism, i'll rank the papers that i did, from best to worst. then i guess i could see how close it tallies with my actual results a few months later. of course, these are all my own perceptions and may not match those of the markers'. just a little exercise in futility on my own assessment abilities. gets a bit hairy in the middle. only the top and bottom few are very certain.

Maths Paper 1
Lit Paper 8
Maths Paper 2
Econs Paper 2
Hist Paper 2 (i never expected to see this so high up)
Econs Paper 3
GP Paper 1
GP Paper 2
Econs Paper 1
Lit Paper 1
Lit Paper 3
Hist Paper 3 (what could be worse than doing a question not in your syllabus?)

as we can see, History and Lit are pretty screwed. Econs is a question mark. GP will be mediocre and Math has the highest chance of being my best subject. oh, the irony of it all.

and i really don't feel like taking S paper, the exam, next week. the lessons were great for interest's sake, but at this point in time a scholarship seems really impossible, and we all know what the S in "S paper" really stands for. what's worse, it's next tuesday, which is the absolute last day of the whole damn shindig. i really don't have the grit to do another paper anymore, especially one that seems pretty pointless. but i guess i'll go cos i paid money for it, i don't want to make my cert look any worse than it already is, and i'll enjoy doing the PC.

2005-11-20T22:51:00.000+08:00

haha this is so cute!

there was a huge moth on the wall. and i was studying. then i heard this tsktsktsk sound that comes from lizards. and the next thing i knew, i heard a desperate fluttering sound! the lizard was trying to eat the moth! in a deadly tussle, it was gripping one of the wings with its mouth.

like OMG SO CUTE. haha. ok this is madness.

the moth managed to get away, but fluttered helplessly to the ground. i turned off the lights and left the living room. i don't want to think of its fate.

but seriously man, this lizard's damn greedy. i'm not even sure if it's the same lizard, maybe there's a whole family of them. i know there's one that always rummages through the rubbish plastic bag in the kitchen every night. when i turn on the lights to get some water in the middle of the night, i'll hear the bag rustling as it runs away in fear. what an unlikely pet! it even goes to the bag when there's nothing in it at all. how adorable, catching it red-handed every night. oh well, as long as it gets rid of the other insects, i don't mind.

and oh! i was washing my hands the other day with dettol soap, which is the liquid kind. and there was this tiny bug buzzing around me annoyingly. then it just so happened to fly underneath the dripping nozzle of the soap, and died in a sticky, squishy death!

hahahaha. insects amuse me with their antics. goodnight.

2005-11-19T15:55:00.000+08:00

WHEN I see birches bend to left and right
Across the lines of straighter darker trees,
I like to think some boy's been swinging them.
...
One by one he subdued his father's trees
By riding them down over and over again
Until he took the stiffness out of them,
And not one but hung limp, not one was left
For him to conquer. He learned all there was
To learn about not launching out too soon
And so not carrying the tree away
Clear to the ground.
...
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.

Birches, Robert Frost

And life's gonna drop you down
like the limbs of a tree
It sways and it swings and it bends
until it makes you see

Jump, Madonna

ah! that makes me like the poem and the song more than i already do. love the literary links!

------

To regret one's own experiences is to arrest one's own development. To deny one's own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one's own life. It is no less than a denial of the soul.

De Profundis, Oscar Wilde

he couldn't have said it any better than that, really. it may seem pointless to pick at scabbed wounds harbouring festering scars, but i guess i just have to tell you this again. i really don't understand how, or why you can pretend that things that happened never did. being forward-looking is a good thing, but only when mindful of what it is one is walking away from. rejection of a shared past is the most stinging insult one can hurl at another.

-------

i think pride is an important thing to maintain. at least a decent level of it. to debase oneself, to offer oneself up so shamelessly to the whims of others... that's not really something i can do. if that means being inflexible, then so be it. i guess i'm just too much of an individualist. M, you're wrong. i am hardly a conformist. (cliche alert!) you think you know me, but you really don't.

what, that i would willingly lower myself to be the lapdog that's secretly scorned than stand apart standing tall and erect? i know my choice.

if you can't beat them, ~~join them.~~ don't lose your dignity.

2005-11-19T02:35:00.000+08:00

doesn't she look hot?

and there are just too many developments. i thought i was adaptable, but that's obviously been self-delusion. it will all change soon, though. let it will be.

2005-11-15T23:28:00.000+08:00

edit: kayhian asked me what Ray of Light is. so to enlighten all-

In the album charts, Ray Of Light debuted at no. 2 in the US and stayed there for two weeks, only the Titanic soundtrack kept it from the top spot. It did top the album charts in Australia, Canada, Germany and the UK. The album sold 15 million copies worldwide; 371.000 US copies in its first week. March 2000, it was certified 4 times Platinum in the US. In the UK it was recertified 6 times Platinum in January 2003.

At the 1999 Grammies, Ray Of Light got six nominations and it received four Grammies: 'Best Pop Album', 'Best Short Form Music Video', 'Best Recording Package' for Art Director Kevin Reagen and 'Best Dance Recording'. Madonna was also the big winner at the 1998 MTV Music Video Awards, winning 'Video of the Year', 'Best Female Video', 'Best Direction', 'Best Editing', 'Best Choreography', 'Best Special Effects', 'Best Dance Video' and 'Breakthrough Video', all for the videos of Ray Of Light and Frozen.

econs today. at first i thought it was good. but i'm not so sure anymore. after some discussion which i don't think i should have done. well at least it was 3 microeconomy questions for me (which was my strategy from the very start) and i know PPC is more macro than micro but heck. that question was a do-able macro then.

questions all very short this year. compared to last year's lengthy lines.

anyway! am totally disregarding my "thou shalt not log online rule" cos frankly, i don't really care anymore. as long as i can get into the U. lost all my verve after math. so yeah.

on a happier note i bought madonna's Confessions on a Dance Floor! woot!

i don't really feel like giving a review, although i swear it really is good. a psychedelic pop-swirl of luscious ear candy. and no i'm not saying that just because i'm a fan. it's on the same plane as Ray of Light, and if you've never heard of Ray of Light before, maybe you're not very into music (caveat: english mainstream music. although these days i find she's getting less and less mainstream) or general knowledge.

shall end off with this line i found on an Amazon review, which i found very funny. with regard to the lead single Hung Up and the line "time goes by so slowly".

This feeling is helped along by the legendary call to action that is ABBA's bassline from "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)," sampled here to the point of saturation. In the original, it was "half past twelve," while in "Hung Up" it's "a quarter to two"-maybe time really does go slowly, since in the 26 years from the original's invention to "Hung Up"'s addictive reinvention, only an hour and 15 minutes have elapsed!

2005-11-11T21:32:00.000+08:00

my father walks into the room and sees me at the computer.

"whatever you do, just don't regret it."

just fuck off already. the last thing i need now is some trite platitude attempting to guilt me into studying. that kinda shtick worked years ago when i was still a pubescent boy just embarking on teenagehood.

-----

i really shouldn't be here. especially after i spent 6 hours straight at the computer yesterday after math, MSN-ing my ass off. i mean i promised myself that after Math and it was rather therapeutic. but that meant no more computer-ing until next thursday! (cos friday is PC and you know. PC is PC. there's not much you can do about it)

but tomorrow's saturday so whatever. and i didn't log on to messenger. just going to.. continue feeling lonely here. i'm feeling grouchy that i can't go for the Confessions Party at Zouk tonight. i really wanted to go la! but i couldn't get tickets to that shmuckety exclusive event. and i couldn't really be bothered to dress up. oh well. my justification was that i needed to study which i didn't really do cos i slept instead but at least it's catching up on sleep debt.

i swear, falling asleep with your lights on assures you not having a good night's sleep. i did that two nights in a row for both Math2 and GP. and i paid the price for it because i "woke up" (you can't really wake up when you never fell asleep to begin with) at 0530 with a jolt to turn off the lights and sleep tight for just about an hour in darkness. ended up feeling really cranky after getting up and wasting precious minutes into the paper trying to fight the sleep. like the first fifteen minutes of compre were experienced in a state of wooziness.

GP. i always end up doing the general questions. it's like i've got some point to prove. especially if the question is something i believe in. like the Big Questions in Life such as the degree of control we have over our lives. honestly, i don't know why i picked it but on retrospect it was a very poor choice.

people do determine their lives yes. i had 11 other choices (ok actually only 4 cos i immediately crossed out rubbish like big businesses and research) but i just had to pick that. when i could have done something like art. or media. but no! i just HAD to jump straight into the trap that was so obviously beckoning. and i would say that on the contrary, there is very much a thing called Luck in the world. and i'm going to need as much of it as a i can get. so really, they both exist. you'd be dumb to assume neither was important.

this is so different from the O Levels when you kind of knew what you were going to get after you came out from the exam hall. this time there's really a lot of uncertainty swirling around everything. doing arts subjects without fixed answers doesn't really help much. and math itself being a total blindside means there's no certainty in it either cos Mr Tay said it was possible to get an A even with 70+ marks. (no, no more 86 thank goodness.)

i am not a perfect cert boy, that's for sure. smart, but not smart enough.

2005-11-10T17:29:00.000+08:00

Maths today. Bad with a capital B for the grade i'm most likely going to get. it all depends on luck though. where i end up on the normal distribution curve, more affectionately termed, "the bell curve" from O level days. i'm just trying to have faith in the general stupidity of singaporean JC students. and that i'm not as dumb as just enough people. the bare minimum.

i don't really feel bad about it. i'm selfish. i do want the A. and i don't want to know that i put in all that time and effort for a subject i'm not going to get A for when i could have funneled it into my other subjects. i'm not really feeling remorse. but that doesn't change the fact that it's wrong. wishing for others' downfall. reminds me of Robert Frost's A Leaf Treader. others around falling to the ground, and the persona is just climbing and stepping on others. what a world we live in.

but just because RJ finds it hard doesn't mean a thing. what is hard to people anyway. "i didn't do 35 marks" or "i took 1.5 hours instead of my usual 1 today". and i guess it's a safe bet to say that if we find it hard, the lower end JCs should find it much tougher. having a few schools worth of near perfect scripts being a minority as compared to the majority of the nation who can't even hit the minimum 70 benchmark (and to think last year's A grade was a whopping 86.) is it enough? is the majority enough to offset the minority? and aren't we just glad for them? see? that's the kind of disgusting thing that pervades our minds. and we relish in it. "the only purpose of stupid people is so that we are smart by comparison". wow. and don't pretend you don't feel that way (unless you're one of the freaks who're gonna get full marks). especially all you people who probably aren't above 80-85% for your papers, averaging an estimated 70+%.

i had a carrie underwood moment today, during paper 2. you know, the new song. "jesus take the wheel". yeah. isn't it funny. how we desperately grasp onto anything when we feel like we're in a really bad position. anything goes. things we wouldn't normally do.

i don't think i've ever been so serious about the phrase "oh my god" until today.

thing is, i'm probably not going to turn on my heels and start going to church again after all these years. just not yet. i don't know. who knows, anyway. god is such a generic name. for all i know it might not have been the Christian one. unless it starts with a capital G. then it'd be a proper noun and not just any noun. and i don't know of many religions where the highest being wasn't looking for creativity but rather simplicity when self-naming.

but whichever faith you're from, thank you for your help today. i really couldn't have done it without you.

----

and some golden words from my mother.

"you're very bright michael. you're just very lazy. one of these days it's gonna be your downfall."

i think it already has been.

2005-11-02T01:35:00.000+08:00

i know i shouldn't be blogging, and i shouldn't be on MSN. but this is just too funny to let go. back to math!

hikaru says:
OMG OMG OMGOM GOMGOMG
hikaru says:
I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM
hikaru says:
like IN LOVE
hikaru says:
LOVE
hikaru says:
LESS THAN THREE
m!ke wake me up when november ends. says:
[the eyebrow arching smiley]
hikaru says:
LESS LESS LESS THAN THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

2005-10-29T03:12:00.000+08:00

at this point in time, it's only 10 days to Maths. so that means no more MSN, no more blogsurfing, no more watching Madonna's Hung Up video (which is at once inspiring and disturbing, seeing a 47-year-old woman hump a boombox with carefree wild abandon), no more wasting time online taking pointless quizzes or looking at hodbods i'll never get, no more forum lurking which i love to do.

i'll probably come back sporadically. but not more. as much as i was all fatalistic and heck if i flunk a few days ago, i realise that i DO care. after all, doesn't the old adage go "God only helps those that help themselves". i've got to at least attempt to try. not to say that i'm hoping for divine intervention to carry me through this period. i don't even deserve it. though i would appreciate if i get some undeserved Grace (which itself is a tautological error). but the truth of the matter is. i need to put in all the EFFORT i can put in (although i definitely wouldn't want the first 4 letters of that word) at this last lap. i think i was much more driven during the O Levels though. i remember finishing all the Physics and Chemistry MCQs, and working steadily to score high on Math papers (FYI i'm only averaging a B at this moment.) has 2 years really made life look so very pointless?

i already have enough regrets in this life. i don't need another.

it's time for Mister Miracle to conjure something out of his hat for the last time.

wake me up when november ends.

2005-10-28T14:46:00.000+08:00

Link: The Which Punctuation Mark Are You Test written by Gazda on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

quotation marks
You scored 53% Sociability and 76% Sophistication!

There is a lot more to you than meets the eye. You certainly get plenty of "action," but you'd be happier if those who lusted after you were more selective. You hate being used as a general intensifier; haven't these people ever heard of underlining? Italics? And yes, you remember the cruel words Mr. Joyce directed at you. But you let none of this get you down; those who abuse you are destined for a "special" reward, sooner or later. You feel particularly warm toward periods, commas, exclamation points, and question marks, and usually wish to have them next to you. Parenthesis can sometimes trouble you.

You scored higher than 58% on Sociability

You scored higher than 95% on Sophistication

2005-10-27T03:47:00.000+08:00

it's not like i haven't been dropping clues.

sometimes, i must feel like the dead poets that turn in their graves, appaled at the way people misinterpret their poetry. the painstakingly placed imagery, the carefully arranged wording. unnoticed. likewise, here.

i think i open myself up more than i would like to, and yet the deliberate exposing of vulnerability passes over heads as unintelligible private thought. truth of the matter is, just like poets, only we know what the true intention of our work is. (i do put in effort in my blogging.) everything that passes second, or third or even fourth and fifth hand {oh dear this reminds me of the dilution of ideas in The Machine Stops by EM Forster [lit's the only subject where you still remember stuff even after graduation and exams (omg this is the first time i'm doing a 3-in-1 side comment, although the innermost one has no real point or use except to see if it can work) are over, when the certificates come back and are stored away under the dust] where great ideas were encouraged to be watered-down cos they suffered from the taint of personality, and only when they were disconnected from human factors were they worthy to be brought up, far removed from the context of their origins} through other people will inevitably lose its intent. but i guess the truth of the matter is. people DO construct their own knowledge differently, and everyone will have different interpretations of what you say and it's just impossible to stop that.

and maybe that's not so bad. it might seem horrific, at first, from a purist artist's standpoint. and i must disagree with candy when she criticizes The Woman Warrior. i think MHK probably feels terrible (or maybe not) that everyone thinks she's a siaodingdong (brian's catchphrase). the power of the word is so important. it is The Sword to battle injustice, among other things. and if the spoken word is harder to grasp, then the written word behind the screen is much lighter and easier to wield, yet packs a greater punch in its longevity. it really is very dynamic and alive.

i have derailed from my main train of thought, which was that i think people misinterpret what i write, or that they totally miss something staring at them right in their faces. and i'm not sure which is worse. probably the former. at least with the latter there aren't WRONG notions. do realise, that everything, as frivolous as they may seem have a purpose. even this.

but no, this isn't talk-story or one of those pre-fabricated woven tapestry of truth, half-truths, semi-truths etc. everything here is true. you just need to know what the red herrings are and ignore them. don't let them obfuscate. to prevent pitfall number 1 - misinterpretation. avoiding pitfall number 2 requires intellect which i'm not sure everyone who reads this has. and contextual knowledge of my life definitely won't hurt either. which is another reason why i think public blogging is quite dangerous. people often less important than they think they really are imagine everything to be about them. i guess sometimes i hide things too well. and to be Cryptic, one needs to be General. which invites a lot of problems.

2005-10-25T01:29:00.000+08:00

LESSTHAN3
LESSTHAN3
LESSTHAN3

if you were wondering what that was, it's <3.

omg i'm becoming so lame, just like someone. heh. must be that insidious influence.

in other news, i'm so fucking my A levels. and the scary thing is i don't think i really care that much. or maybe i do. but it's so tiring to care i've just given up. whatever happens, will.

-------

for the last time, i don't want to push back my enlistment date. stop advising me to attempt to try to enter later. firstly, i can't anyway, not enough time to train. secondly, it's just like Raffles all over again, physical style. entering the cream of the athletic crop, with Silver and Gold studs when your Silver is probably through cheating and bribing a bit, and quite tarnished. what's the point. gonna be at the bottom struggling all over again. and thirdly, i want to enter early to begin with.

don't ask my why.

then again, i might already have told you the reason. the REAL reason. =P

2005-10-22T14:48:00.000+08:00

[ETA]

wedding dinner at shangri-la was good, loved the personalised service that the waiters gave. loved the wine too, now i don't feel like sleeping. and it's 4am while typing this. i'm torn regarding my feelings on this. on one hand it's always inspiring to see a couple get together and embark on a journey together, not to mention the good food. on the other hand, what you need to endure to enjoy the gourmet and the fuzzy feelings is a shitload of other rubbish.

the thing about family get-togethers and gatherings of such large proportions is the rehearsed and rehashed greetings, trite conversations and stiff smiles. and they'll somehow find a way to turn the heat on you. and it's ALWAYS about marriage. wedding dinner - "oh, soon it'll be michael's turn right" chinese new year, during the angpow segment - "wah soon you cannot collect hor, time to give back right" please lor, i haven't even had a relationship before. and for crying out loud i'm only 18. if you count in NS and the U the earliest i'll be working is when i'm almost in my mid-20s. it really wouldn't be that fast.

if ever. looking at the first sister (who isn't married, and wasn't allowed out on the whole groom-claiming-bride-by-doing-weird-forfeits-and-surrending-red-packets ritual thingum) it's kinda.. scary. to end up that way. my first aunt is a spinster too. but OH WELL maybe it's just a girl thing. so as a firstborn son i have nothing to worry about! -beams- i am a Ho Chi Kuei! after all, "girls are maggots in the rice" hurhurhur i know my Woman Warrior!

in line with all this romance talk, am totally enamoured with Billy Joel's The Longest Time now. the a capella harmony is flawless, and it's the ultimate feel good song. although it's a bit too saccharine, looping it tends to get one loopy in love indulging in romantic fantasies. not that that's totally a bad thing. escapism is good, Virtual Reality (haha, eugene.) can be a very pleasant narcotic for the pains of life every now and then. just remember not to get addicted on it. if you understand the anaesthetic effect, you'll be safe. don't overdose, cos a numbing of sensations doesn't mean a detachment from the surroundings. rather, it's holding on to an acute understanding of that environment whilst being absolutely dumbed and dulled from experiencing the harshness of it.

[/ETA]

------

just got back from my mom's cousin's daughter's tea ceremony. or to put it more simply - my cousin (once removed? twice removed? is that the term for it?). almost wanted to take and post up a picture with the roasted pig, what with the pretty flower on its head, propped up and resting nicely on two juicy oranges. and continue on with some remarks, just to be outrageous since i know some people get really riled up about such stuff.. but you know, i don't want to be jailed. i am after all, of perfectly legal age.

it's quite freaky actually. can you imagine people taking photos of your naked body after your death as though you're some novelty? roasted, no less. i don't really understand the tradition of sending the pig's head and tail back to the groom's home. that one just baffles me. but i like the rest. the tea ceremony, the long noodles with sweet hard-boiled eggs in orange-red gravy. very symbolic. these chinese people are smart, yes they are.

and TALKING ABOUT photos of your naked body-

talk about disturbing.

anyway, back to the topic. i don't know why people choose ugly people to get married with. or uglier than them relatively, at least. although it doesn't apply in this case. why settle for something lower when one can get something better? it doesn't make sense on the basis of equity. and even on a practical standpoint, it's one huge question mark too. or more an exclamation mark. hell, both. the children are going to look terrible! i mean, in the wild, it's always survival of the fittest. mating calls, rituals etc. the female only mates with the best male there is out there.

so why should it be any different for humans? i guess it's that thing they call love. which transcends everything, looks and all. supposedly, anyway. i wouldn't know. i've never been in love before. which is a very annoying topic. overly done, and the only thing discussed at such occasions. especially now that one's of that kind of age.

need to study now, there's still a banquet later. will be back with more.

bernie says:
watching Lan Yu
bernie says:
sorry
m!ke it's amazing what a boy can do- says:
oh eugene wants to watch that.
bernie says:
koh bernard too (:

2005-10-20T03:47:00.000+08:00

You Are A: Bear Cub!

Bears are strong and independent creatures who roam in the forest in search of food. Bears are usually gentle, but anger one and be prepared for their full fury! You're tough -- a classic attribute of bears. Intelligent and resourceful, though lazy at times, you are a fascinating creature of the wild.

You were almost a: Duck or a Kitten
You are least like a: Chipmunk or a Squirrel What Cute Animal Are You?

one day my [insert blank here with almost any sensible noun you could think of, even though there's only one that would normally be used in this context] will come.

till then, i can only strive to make myself a better man.

i am the choochootrain who goes ithinkicanithinkicanithinki-

2005-10-18T17:17:00.000+08:00

AHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH

Oh. My. Yay.

this is just TOO much of a freaking coincidence!!! i could just DIE right now. especially after i was hoping for it! (well not really, i didn't think it might even be logically possible. what are the chances?) i mean, just that little thought of whether it might happen, based on circumstancial judgement and inference. and that little budding seed suddenly blossomed into a HUGE flower. (of course it'll wilt soon but whatever.) i wasn't even expecting it so this is just amazing. my instinct turned out to be right after all!

for once, i have good luck. and somewhere far away in me, a click sounds and the gears go into motion, extrapolating and postulating the ways in which things could turn out. of course there are some possible snares and stumbling blocks that i can foresee VERY clearly from 2 sources, but WHO cares!! if things actually DO fall the way that i hope they will, i will believe firmly and fatalistically in Fate forever. woohoooo!!

(i feel like some stupid frilly fangirl now. the heart loves it of course, but the mind loathes the inner revelry that's occuring. omg, i'm becoming just like.. hahazx~!)

every little thing that you say or do
i'm hung up, i'm hung up on you.
time goes by so slowly for those who wait
no time to hesitate
those who run seem to have all the fun
i'm caught up
i don't know what to do!

---

and on a separate, 180-degree-shift note, very disappointed with you. i expected much more. or at least for you to just be sensible about things, which you clearly haven't. that was just childish, vindictive and mean-spirited through and through. not to mention cowardly. there's no justification for it at all. i've lost every last shred of respect i once had for you.

2005-10-17T03:26:00.000+08:00

i really shouldn't have been surprised, although i was for a short while. it is a natural progression, after all, for someone like that to be as shameless as such. and in that cheeky, insolent way, too. still, FUCK YOU!!!

if someone murdered you, there would be no suspects cos everyone'd be one.

------

this sucks. everyone i know who's enlisting on the same day has a different timeslot from me. and there's one which looks particularly good, two good friends and the PMS! what more could anyone ask for? but as luck (or the lack of it) would have it, i'm in a different one, and i haven't heard of anyone who's entering with me. i just hope it won't end up as a rude shock. the possibility of.. omg! eep.

------

farewell assembly was really meh. i mean besides seeing people for possibly the last time (and someone's getting very hot lately! must be the ever-flawless skin tone.) and getting results which didn't even include predicted grades or a testimonial, it was pretty pointless. i don't know why people have illusions of grandeur, really. i guess you must either be jialun, or someone who found the love of your life in RJ to feel that way.

everything that could have turned out wrong, did. i can only hope it won't affect my future too much.

------

taken at VIDEOEZY. so britney's a classic now?

NO BROWSING!

2005-10-14T21:28:00.000+08:00

fuck.

~~Good evening Mr QUIL.INDO MICHAEL ZHI CHENG.~~

Your enlistment is between December 2005 and May 2006. An enlistment notice will be sent to you two months before your enlistment date. For further enquiries, please call MINDEF eService Center at 1800-364 6333 or email to us at msc@miw.com.sg.

2005-10-13T19:46:00.000+08:00

tennis is without a doubt, the hottest sport on earth. wait, let me correct myself.

tennis PLAYERS, are without a doubt, the hottest sportsmen/sportswomen on earth. ok i have my personal reasons for saying so, but let's just take a look at the pros, shall we?

andy roddick. omg have you seen anyone look so good wearing flipflops?

check out the unfortunate, or fortunate depending on who you are, nipplage on martina hinggis. and the tan and tone on those legs are to DIE for.

anna kournikova. hell, who cares what her name is when you can't even see the face. accidental exposure seems to be a problem that plagues only women, which i suppose is a good thing comparatively for men, who're less objectified.

the bryan twins, bob and mike. this pose is so gay.

and since there're two of them, it's only fitting to put two pictures up.

maria sharapova. ok i just like the energy of this picture. i don't know where the ball is though, looks like a highly awkward position to be in.

------

so after a year or so of having braces, i've finally taken them off! my ego has just gone up a few notches. it's true what they say about having good teeth and it making a good impression. i think after i get them bleached i might just become narcissistic! they look so good now omg and that's even before being SPARKLY. i think braces do make people look cute for awhile but then the novelty wears off, the plaque builds up, and they don't look that appealing anymore. so, yayness for taking them off.

before.

and after.

ok looking at those pictures i think mouths alone are really disgusting, taken out of context. unless someone can prove me wrong haha. i think they generally look much better on an actual face in relation to eyes, nose, and ears. which is why we have a face! epiphany of the day. shit i am becoming the quintessential himbo. (:

------

No one's telling you how to live your life
But it's a setup until you're fed up
It's no good when you're misunderstood

i don't believe in posting lyrics just for the sake of them. one of the pitfalls of blogging that should be thoroughly avoided, because it makes for extremely boring reading, is that of devoting entire posts solely to the lyrics of a whole song. i mean wtf is the point of that? i might as well go to a lyrics site.

But why should I care
What the world thinks of me
Won't let a stranger
Give me a social disease

i think it makes much more sense when they're interspersed with a blogpost. (or maybe just cos that's my style haha) and sometimes also because the very poetic nature of it puts across what you want to say so much more succinctly. and with more impact. anyway, i really can't let you get me down, because you're really very inconsequential in my life, as much as you would like to think you make much of an impact. ok it's a LIE to say that anyone in your life makes no impact (besides maybe yongtaufoo aunty or uncle from the one-nine chinese mixed food stall, but even then their fluctuations in capricious pricing make for an impact on one's real disposable income, and i digress.) but in terms of weighting, you rank all the way down there. the amusing thing is right now i can imagine 2 people thinking that i'm talking about them, and only one would be right but they wouldn't be sure. omg i love these mindgames haha. ok that was so pointless.

CLOUDS IN MY COFFEE (ie annoyance.)
YOU'RE SO VAIN, YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS POST IS ABOUT YOU
I BETCHA THINK THIS POST IS ABOUT YOU
DON'T YOU DON'T YOU DON'T YOU

ok that was somewhat therapeutic.

2005-10-11T21:24:00.000+08:00

i'm getting edgy about not receiving an enlistment letter yet. i'll probably be going in in december anyway, but i want to know when damnit. i mean i know technically they only need to give one month's notice but i want to know earlier so that i can enjoy my remaining few days of civilian life better, with the full knowledge of what's impending, rather than it being a murky future ahead.

oh and i love crystal jade. or any other good restaurant. dear Santa, if i become very good now and study really hard from now on till the 29 november, please give me higher metabolism on christmas day. i'm going to need it. thanks!

--------

if i get 4As, i'll treat anyone who asks me for a treat! and now i'll just sit back and watch all the phantom readers come out of the woodwork.

(i wish.)

2005-10-09T02:30:00.000+08:00

thanks hor. and congratulations. cos i don't even know you and vice versa, but you've just totally destroyed all my self-confidence. almost every single shred of it. i hope you didn't do what i think you did to cause that. maybe it's just my hyperactive imagination messing with me. i... guess you must be pretty amazing to be able to kill my ego. yes, you are. that wasn't sarcastic, nor was it a back-handed compliment. you're just awesome. too awesome for me. you're an improvement (or regression in some cases) of your predecessor. you even KNOW each other. and of course, what you do is intensified. just one time. and wham. you've taken everything out of me. you've wracked and wrecked me with anticipation.

"a quicksilver character, cool and willful at one moment, utterly fragile the next",
Sven Birkets

--------

~~Deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper~~

~~Sweeter and sweeter and sweeter and sweeter~~

~~I can't help falling in love~~
~~I fall deeper and deeper the further I go~~
~~Kisses sent from heaven above~~
~~They get sweeter and sweeter the more that I know~~

Time goes by so slowly
Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

2005-10-08T14:51:00.000+08:00

yesterday after returning from school, i saw some "on government service" marked letters on my desk. i was horrified, because i heard that sweesen has to enlist on the SECOND of december. i thought, "that's it. i'm finished." granted, he might have been arrowed early cos of his weight, but i always thought they put the obese people together with the NAPFA losers! ugh i don't want to suffer the same fate, 3 days after the end of exams, and wasted $88 wth.

with trepidation, i tore open the envelopes. to my pleasant delight, i saw this:

Dear Michael,

Computerised Pilot Selection System (CPSS) Test

Congratulations! We are please to inform you that you have passed the CPSS test. This means that you are a high potential to be a pilot. (And the rest is unimportant application stuff.)

i mean, this is just hilarious. as you might remember, if you read my blog on a regular basis, a few entries ago i went for the test and it was an absolute disaster. which leads me on to several conclusions.

1. they have low standards.
2. there must be some kind of mistake.
3. everyone else who took the test then sucked more (which doesn't really apply because even if it was a bell-curve of sorts, they're not obliged to choose their pilots ASAP since they have all the time in the world over the next year or so to choose them)
4. i fluke well. in which case i can only hope that such dumb luck will be somehow bestowed to me for the As too.

eh but so stupid la, i think i only want to be a pilot if i'm under the MINDEF scholarship. might as well serve 2 bonds at the same time.

------

from deb:

the dangers of blog surfing include reading someone's blog, whom you don't know, excessively, to the point where you start thinking of the person as your friend. because you know so much about them. but when you stop yourself and take a look at it. it's all one sided. there isn't really a friendship. there's just voyeurism. it's a rather scary thought.

i totally agree. i've fallen prey to that, actually. i read blogs so extensively that i feel like i know so much about some people. and i haven't even seen, or talked to them before in real life! the truth really hurts when you discover it's all just been a fantasy of friendship which exists only in your mind. oops, my bad for lowered defences. it's easy to mistake the conversational tone of a personal journal as all-encompassing.

adding on to that, i would say that it's all just an illusion of intimacy, emotionally attaching and investing ourselves to characters we read about. yes, that's right. they're characters and not people. i believe that most blogs out there are just a Show with created personalities. perhaps not created per se, but modified versions of self. to exaggerate/emphasize certain attributes, or downplay others.

which i suppose is actually a good thing. i wouldn't want any tom, dick, or harry to know exactly who i am.

2005-10-05T23:58:00.000+08:00

alritey! i have finally drawn up my revision schedule. and just the sheer amount of work that needs to be done is enough to reduce anyone to tears. i've never done up an actual study plan before in my whole academic life, but what have i got to lose. i'm not used to it, but it's important i guess. this is going to be one helluva ride. it also means that i'll have to condition myself to come online less often since i cannot do without a few television shows, even though it involves the opportunity cost of meeting certain people on MSN. (swoon.) less blogsurfing (nothing to read anyway, everyone's mugging) and less forumhopping for me. i really hope i'll be disciplined enough, the schedule looks insane.

those who run seem to have all the fun.

currently, i feel like brutally stabbing a number of people. violent, i know. but that's why fantasies exist. (no, they're not all erotic you know.) highly annoyed at their attitudes. but i stick with the platitudes, hypocritically uttering politically correct niceties, or keeping quiet when i don't feel that civil. the funny thing is, i'm crucifying them for the very same things that i would do and gladly indulge in if i were in their position.

-------

when i was young, we lived on the first floor in a HDB flat. being little ole' young bored me with nothing to do in the afternoon as a little kid of maybe 5 or 6, i would hang around the window and strike up conversations with the people that walked by. adults thought i was cute. i remember the classic story from my mom, where aunty dolly was so amazed at me that she gave me one of the chocolate eclairs from her shopping bag. she told my mother that she was impressed at my outspoken-ness, or something like that.

and now that i'm done with the whole "starting an essay with an anecdote" GP practice, i'll plunge into what i wanted to talk about. i think self-consciousness is a terrible disease that eats us up as we get older. a younger me had no qualms speaking to people i did not know at all. then midway through primary school i started getting very self-aware, for goodness knows what reason. so much so that it hindered me, i would suppose. i don't know what it was. insecurity about my looks, perhaps? i don't know. i became the introvert that i am. and today, i balk at the thought of talking to strangers.

thank goodness for the Internet then. when i first started using it, i was really into the whole thing. i added people on MSN, ICQ, chatted people up if i wanted to know them. i was quite foolhardy comparatively. but now it seems that the fear of rejection, such a human trait, has seeped into the online existence. (they could never get rid of the imponderable bloom, could they?) even talking to someone without all the physical discomfort has become tiresome. what if they block me? what if they're laughing at me behind that screen? what if my words are being copy-pasted to someone else? what if (worst case) they think i'm trying to jio them when i just want to know them as a friend? what if?

after all that rambling, my point is this. even with technological aid, i'm still so damned fucking shy. as we get older we become more reserved, more set in our ways. and maybe that's why old people are all so crabby. i think people are more likely to make new friends when they're younger too. because our world view is not yet fully developed, we are more tolerant and open of things different from ourselves.

i don't want to be old, not because of the physicalities (ok maybe a bit la.) but because i'll be some annoying bugger withdrawn into myself.

2005-10-03T02:25:00.000+08:00

after i leave school, i think i'll probably try my hand at everything. without all the pressure of studying (of which i don't really succumb to, merely niggling at the back of my mind) it would be much easier and more convenient. although i could only really do so on weekends after booking out. (hurrah! i'm going to be a MAN. WOARGGH.)

so anyway, why bother trying to be a jack of all trades? today my mother asked me if i wanted the TIME magazines that i'd been collecting in a stack (of what? bonfire hazard clump?) anymore, cos apparently the mission trip people were leaving soon, and they wanted donations etc. i'm more than happy to give away things that i'm not using (and never will) and are in good condition, even if not for the sole purpose of being charitable, since it frees up space in the junkyard called my room that i probably sleep in only half the time.

but of course i don't want it to be a total waste, so i started ripping open some of the pristinely wrapped copies to scour for interesting articles. suffice to say, some of them were really boring (read: anything to do with politics. i'm honestly pretty apathetic about it and i'll probably just automatically vote for PAP in the future.) and some were really intriguing, like how our brains are only really fully developed at about age 25 thereabouts.

what really struck me though was some issue that featured 20 asians under 40 who've done something spectacular with their lives, even before hitting middle age. truly amazing, that. makes me wonder what i want to do. the more i think about it, the more i think maybe i'm not suited to studying. i got by earlier on with some sort of innate intelligence, but at higher levels of learning, discipline is the key and it's something i'm sorely lacking.

so hopefully by testing out every damn thing there is to do out there (from ice-skating to cooking) i'll eventually come across something that i'm good at, and take the world by storm. there's only one real ambition i have, and that i think everyone should have (but that's just a value judgement of mine), which is to do something to impact the world before they die.

and you sure as hell ain't gonna do that if you're not good at anything. or you could always be highly scandalous, though that's cheating. all you need to do is post naked pictures of yourself. but that's SO sarongpartygirl, ecks. we need people who can do something truly amazing.

and i hope i can be one of those people, someday.

2005-10-01T15:34:00.000+08:00

prelims have proven only one thing to me. that i can maintain a doubling of workload with the same standard. unfortunately that standard wasn't very high to begin with. up to you how you wanna read that. with only about 37 days left, i'm not even sure if the time i have left is enough to set things right. which leads me on the train of thought to - if i really am going to fail, maybe i should start making some alternative plans for the future.

math and econs were at the same time, dismally disappointing yet extremely expected. i'd hoped for at least one grade higher for both subjects, but didn't turn out that way. which is frustrating because i'm doing better for MCQ now. GP was a huge relief, especially with regard to my essay, which i blogged about a couple of entries earlier. histP2 wasn't good, but it was much better than what i expected and i'm really lucky to get that, whilst histP3 was more annoying cos i think i definitely should have gotten a grade higher for it (which also would have pulled up my overall grade by one grade). lit's fine, the scripts i've gotten back average a near A, so far so good but those were for my better texts and i didn't fully complete 2 out of the 5 that i haven't gotten back yet, so i doubt i can push past the A barrier.

ugh, the thing with subjective marking is that sometimes you get lucky with randomness, and sometimes you don't. if the strict teachers mark your lousy scripts and the more lenient ones mark your ~~good~~ relatively better ones, you might just end up with a decent grade after everything averages out. however if the opposite happens, you're pretty screwed. i think that happened to me quite a bit this time. (and here comes all the typical self-consolatory justification) i'm not saying which subjects, that would make it obvious who i'm referring to and i don't want to be charged or suspended under sedition, libel, or whatever other ridiculous (and arbitrary when applied to the blogosphere) law jargon that money-minded me hopes to be spouting in a few years time.

or maybe that's all just self-delusional drivel.

-----

mm what you say?
oh that you only meant well

well of course you did.

mm what you say?
mm that it's all for the best

of course it is.

mm what you say?
that it's just what we need

you decided this.

imogen heap, hide and seek

2005-09-28T20:12:00.000+08:00

i went for the air force pilot test today at CMPB. and after today, i know that i'm destined for the navy, for the army, for anything that's ground by gravity and doesn't go up into the sky. i mean the test went pretty fine at first, i could read directions and that kind of stuff, interpreting all the meter readings on the computer generated dashboard with ease. and then came the weird (but obvious stuff) like actually FLYING a freaking plane. using a joystick (and i always thought it was by a steering wheel, or buttons like a controller for a console game), we were meant to fly through this string of squares, and before each round (there were 3) the computer would say "you should aim to better your score on a scale of 1-10". guess what? i remained at 1 for all 3 trials. this is why i never made it into a sport and why i never do well at games like CS, pool, etc. i'm landlocked, baby!

oh and that wasn't all, there was this test where we had to control target crosshairs that were designed to deviate off centralisation WHILE listening with a keen ear for discrepancies in a countdown a la Arithmetic Progression WHILE keeping a lookout for a coloured shape marked with a specific number on the other side of the screen. actually, i should have gone home the moment the tester said " blah blah blah psychomotor blah blah blah " because that is definitely not one of my natural-born talents.

and why on earth would i need to know what a stupid cube looks like when folded from a cutout. these questions always annoy me. they tested that for the stupid GEP selection tests too! and i couldn't get them. spatial patterns just aren't my thing. and the where's wally-styled tesselation basic shape search in a mess of lines was very annoying too. what with the countdown. and the stupid grid where we were supposed to match colours and shapes that kept changing at a regular basis. these tests aren't fun at all. they're tedious. oh there was ONE fun test where we had to get as high a score as possible through this line-growing game. ok never mind it doesn't make sense but i had fun playing that.

and then there was this WEIRD section where they gave a manual with instructions in it to follow. the unfortunate thing is, i had no idea what the stuff on the screen was getting at. full of technical terms that reminded me of logic gates (eek.) in Sec4 and aeronautical jargon. like ok they told me to type in the given error code but there's none? just weird graphs that on retrospect had names that reminded me of cations. Alsr2+ or some nonsensical rubbish like that. ok i don't think anyone even understands what i'm talking about cos i don't even understand it myself. that whole segment was plain greek gibberish to me, and weird is an understatement.

oh well. i did so want to be a pilot, it seemed real fun. but all that techie stuff's not for me. velocity, visualisation, eye-hand coordination, etc. and various other knick-knacks. that's the kind of stuff that we never see, which gives us the impression that it's simple pie. but really, it ain't that easy as a PS2 game. and there went the whole of today.

----

i am very fearful of returning to school tomorrow. i did put in some effort this time (obviously not enough - but hey i did try!) but the fact remains that i did not perform for prelims. and how are the teachers going to view that? obviously negatively, cos i've never done exceptionally well throughout my stay here. to them, it'll just look like i'm slacking as usual and this will probably cement a few of them's hate for me. oh well.

not a very good thing to happen, actually. and yes i know it's over and that i should just accept whatever comes. there really is no excuse for failure, but who said facing the music was ever easy?

2005-09-27T02:36:00.000+08:00

i've got to pick up the remaining few pieces that i can, and move on to something else.

the world is my oyster.

2005-09-25T18:24:00.000+08:00

i watched 4 movies in 3 days. a bit of an overkill, i think i've had my fill of shows to last me quite a bit. if you don't like reading reviews, you can uh. stop reading. but it's worth it, at least you know what to watch, and what not to watch. do keep in mind that the reviews aren't made in isolation but rather relative to each other, and it also depends on the price. so, in chronological order since the day prelims ended-

The Longest Yard (wednesday afternoon, $7.50) 5.5/10

this wasn't bad, because it passed. but it was pretty pointless. like brian said, the premise is quite impossible. if anything, i think prison inmates in America wouldn't be practising for some game against the guards, although then again if you ask me it seems like the exact kind of pointless 'creative' marketing tactic Americans are likely to come up with to get more people to watch a match.

everything was about media-whoring. the mayor-wannabe or whoever he was, head prison man seemed to be all nice at first but that facade quickly crumbled away as it was revealed that he wanted to exploit the prisoners for his own political agenda. Adam Sandler as usual does well at comedy, so no complaints there. the cliches abounded, including the sissy effeminate prisoners, but they played it well. even the HT-like superannuated secretary was good too. so why am i rating this so low? i had a huge problem with the turn-around and comeback at the end. even if we suspend our disbelief and accept that such a situation could even take place to begin with, i cannot accept the instant change in attitude that the chief warden had at the end of the match, it was ridiculous. that immediately lowered the stock of the show. but thumbs up to portrayal of prison politics, eg smuggling of luxury goods (cheeseburgers!).

and really, i think a more accurate representation of a texan security facility would have been a gay porn film lasting one and a half hours, and even though i would usually put any form of erotica as a sub-division under comedy, it definitely doesn't go under the PG rating.

The Myth (wednesday night, free) 3.5/10

even though it cost me nothing to watch this, and by right i should get more utility from it, opportunity costs shot through the roof with this. the next best alternative was really anything else that i could have done with that time. HORRIBLE. firstly, i didn't even get to watch the full show thanks to hadri who came at 7.30 when it was supposed to start at 7. so maybe i missed out some super-important bit at the beginning. although i highly doubt it. this being a jackie chan flick, the stunts were good, loved the battle scene where there was one man against an army. he obviously lost, unlike the lead in A Bittersweet Life. but well. and the fight on the conveyor belt was humorous to say the least, but it was obviously inserted to show off the indian female lead (i forgot her name) who never appeared again later. and you know all hot female leads need to strip at some point in time or another.

which really irks me. the indian subplot had so much promise, but it was chucked out for no good reason. what's the point of including something just for the sake of being exotic and different if it's only a token gesture?! plot tried to cover too many things in too short a time. got too preachy and annoying for me. and i believe that discomfort with a language hampers acting ability and credibility. this is why people like pierre png should stay on channel 5. a clumsy grasp on speaking a language makes one sound like a 5-year-old or a retard. similarly, jackie was laughable in english, indian female lead's frequent "oh my god!" (subtitled too, no less) ejaculations were sacrilegious and Americanized in a religious sect tucked away in some corner of the subcontinent.

the film did have some good ideas and noble ambitions (immortality and the like) when it first started out, but unfortunately the ineptitude of the director and the actors hampered greatly the possible success of this movie. the way the show wrapped up so nicely in a happily ever after ali baba close the book and look into the sky feel was nauseating. huge deflationary gap, full level of employment far off.

A Bittersweet Life (thursday night, $8) 8.5/10

what's not to love about this? this korean-inspired mafioso masterpiece deserved to go to cannes. unfortunately there wasn't much buzz about it in singapore i believe, which is really sad. this is one of those rare times that i'm annoyed with the Hollywood Deluge of Mediocrity (normally i don't care), because it washes away productions that aren't steeped and rooted in moolahs of marketing. the soundtrack that wraps around the narrative is dark and moody, just like the lead (Lee Byung Hyun) whose life takes a total downward spiral after some wrong choices.

i think one of the reasons why this movie works so well is because of the foreign language. (that means you can't watch this, eugene!) because of the subtitling, some important information might be leaked out by accident. but that's alright, because the story still flows along smoothly with ambiguity in motivations, which leads to a myriad of interpretations for the seemingly strange actions of certain individuals. cinematography is peppered with symbols, a bit like 2046 but hardly as draggy or highbrow.

plotwise, it seems to remind me of Kill Bill (how ironic that i have to refer to a Hollywood film in making analogies) where the protagonist exacts cold-blooded revenge methodically and cold-heartedly against those who were stupid enough to cross paths with them earlier on, not excluding those who used to be close and intimate. style-wise it's very harsh and even though dark humour is peppered throughout the show, there were parts that were very disturbing and i got a Dawn of the Dead vibe (hence the M18 rating)

the reviews are right in saying that the show adds nothing much to the mafia genre, but it's fine because of the ~~hot cast~~ way the story was told. there isn't much love or happiness, just plenty of chilling efficiency. but when we delve under the surface, we see that everyone is human and fraught with flaws. and that there isn't always a happy ending. it wouldn't make sense anyway.

Cinderella Man (friday afternoon, $8) 7/10

i know awhile back i was eagerly awaiting this. and it did seem like somewhat of a disappointment. i love renee cos she's cute, but sometimes she gets too overly cute which is a problem too. even one of her sluttiest roles, in Chicago as Roxie Hart was too saccharine for some. and i personally didn't bother much for the fight scenes. you see one, you've seen 'em all. they were all pretty run of the mill, although i never knew until i watched the show that boxers were allowed to touch each other in the ring, to the point of hugging.

what i liked more were the family scenes. those were touching, and really pushed up the points for this show. however the family, apart from its poverty was a bit TOO perfect for my liking. i thought renee was a pretty good mom who had the usual PMS-outbursts at the right time, and hopelessly devoted to her hero husband. russell was flawless, never getting angry, humble at all times, winning the support of all. didn't seem too realistic to me, but i guess a dramatization of history tends to idealise or scandalise things one way or the other too much, by adding the human touch to historical figures and characters.

someone once said, but i forgot who - why bother to read books when you know the ending. like romeo and juliet, you know they're going to die anyway. same thing applies to plays and movies. why should one bother to do that. you know James Braddock (Russell Crowe) is going to win and triumph ultimately, but what's important is the process, and how we're shown it. i love the support his wife gave him, and his determination for the children, who were SO KEWT! i guess watching this show, one knows the ending will be uplifting and inspiring anyway (and not in a corny fashion like The Longest Yard), so it's good if one needs some kind of assurance in life, whatever that may be.

2005-09-24T15:10:00.000+08:00

will update soon.

i love atmospheric movie soundtracks.

is anyone willing to buy the a bittersweet life soundtrack for me?

2005-09-22T16:05:00.000+08:00

you know how they say that you can always find someone who loves you out there, because there are so many people into various different things?

i guess i haven't seen enough of the world then.

2005-09-20T02:46:00.000+08:00

ATTENTION:

i have a pair of preview tickets for the myth, this wednesday evening at lido so anyone who wants to go just uh, get in touch with me. i'm personally not really keen on the show but it's free anyway so i might as well. and how often does one get to go for early screenings! for RJ arts students, prelims will be over by then so yeah. rather short notice and i don't know if anyone even READS this but oh well.

-------

been reading em forster's aspects of the novel in an attempt to attune my mind to higher levels of literary study for the paper in a few hours time. the guy is a genius. the way he dissects the art form of the novel is amazing, comparing it and putting it alongside life. however, what's the point of understanding the technical infrastructure of the elements that make up a novel, when you have no actual examples to really do so? actually i don't even know why i'm reading it now, when i would rather work on plays and poetry. doesn't really apply there, although he does criticize drama at some points.

Any strong emotion brings with it the illusion of permanence

Homo Sapiens and Homo Fictus... They are people whose secret lives are visible or might be visible; we are people whose secret lives are invisible.

-------

from colorgenics , parts i perceive to be correct in bold, and those that don't really describe me are italicized.

You work hard, seeking success. You are self-sufficient and in spite of all the trials and tribulations that have beset you in the past you carry on regardless. You are one to be admired because you pursue your objectives single-mindedly and with initiative. You know that you can 'do it' and what is more, you will - without necessarily being dependent upon the goodwill of others.

Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception. You are an extremely emotional person - so much so that 'the wrong word' can lead you to tears. You feel other people's pain. You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow. You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.

Conditions are rather confusing at this time. You would like to involved with a particular person or a particular situation but you are holding back. You find it difficult to make a decision.

As of late, you have been experiencing untold stress and this is a result of continuous frustration. You haven't been taking care of all your physical needs and it's beginning to show (pimples!). It would seem that you have a need to find someone to whom you can really relate - someone perhaps whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to be individualistic - to stand out from the common herd. Your inherent control of your sensual instincts is restricting your ability to give yourself to open up freely but this being on your own, being lonely, often makes you feel the need to give up some of your strict standards to surrender to the general flow - to be like everyone else; a part of the herd. Deep down you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You would like to be loved or admired for yourself alone. You demand recognition and tender loving care.

You are afraid that you may not be able to realize or achieve your hopes and desires and so you insist that people should accept you as you are and appreciate your rights to anything that you aspire to.

2005-09-18T02:56:00.000+08:00

wth! taken from madonnanation

" Frozen was also subject to some interesting side news -- mainly in the form of so-called 'internet piracy.' Since, for some reason, Madonna's new songs always seem to premiere in rather obscure parts of the world, particularly Singapore, one website owner recorded the song off the radio weeks before its intended US release, and posted a sound file for the song online. While it was a major treat for Madonna fans, it got this guy in some deep trouble, and made international news reports, heating up the debate on full-length song files on the web. The silly thing is that the sound file was of such poor quality (recorded off the radio) that anyone who was curious enough to spend the time downloading the file would almost definitely buy it as soon as it was available. If anything, this website owner was increasing demand and adding that much-sought-after industry 'buzz.' "

-------

this, apparently is the album cover for madonna's confessions on a dancefloor album, due in november. hmmm. mixture of influences here. pink heels remind me of mrs perry. pink hotpants look kylie-inspired. the hair seems transplanted from bree van der kamp of desperate housewives. and of course, how could we forget the kabbalah bracelet on her left wrist?

2005-09-16T23:40:00.001+08:00

prelims are almost over. well ok it feels like they've ended, but that's not true. there's still econs MCQ+DRQ+CaseStudy and S paper. the worst is over though, especially today's papers. i think the school admin was kinda silly to put 6 hours worth of writing at one shot. ok not really at one shot but still, lit and history in the same day?! (mr K wong : i know.. but we're on a tight schedule) after awhile i just got sick of writing, my hand ached and cramped, so i wrote slower.. and slower. i didn't bother to let my hand fly anymore. what was the point?

my prelims are going to be a huge joke.

sure, they won't be in the FUC(k)ED range (on second thoughts..) but i'm quite sure that they'll be the worst in my whole JC career. which is kinda funny, because by right it's supposed to be the best. i am relaxing now, the late nights have taken their toll. but i am definitely not looking forward to going back to school for post-mortem and the like, having teachers read out the scores and marks and knowing that everyone else improved by leaps and bounds because they actually bothered to study this time around but i didn't put in my full effort.. not only that, i don't want to have to hear the caustic remarks from one, nor have another heart-to-heart session asking me "wtf are you doing", or see the disappointment in another's eyes or in the tone of voice. i don't want to feel guilty that way. i know their paycheck is somewhat reliant on my results but you know. it's my life, i don't need emotional blackmail. i'm sorry, ok. but don't practice double standards and tell us that it's our life and that we're the ones taking the exam if worrying about your bonus is on the back of your mind. i don't want the insinuations and loosely dropped hints that i should drop a subject either, i just- gah i should have just studied harder.

well of course things might not happen that way because either (i) i was lying to mindfuck everyone or more likely (ii) God still cares for me despite my refusal to go to church for the past 3 years and He decided to give me a little surprise.

and there were a lot of times during the papers when my mind just went blank. now if you're in science, and doing physhits or something you could just randomly choose given values from the question to put in some formula dug up from the recesses of your mind, and everything'll be fine. no such luck in the humanities. you can't rewrite history, create literature, or magically derive economic theories. bah. some time ago i told derrick how lousy i was in macroecons, and that i was better at the micro aspect of the subject. he was surprised, almost disbelieving. he thought that it was an arts student's thang to be better at macroecons. guess maybe i really should have taken science after all huh, especially without that scholarship..

"you're not readyyy"

---

but, i made it through the day thinking of Survivor that i could watch at night! and the Guatemalan ruins are pretty cool, especially the tribal council area where they have to climb to the top of this sacrifical tower or something where the voting booth is. finally, no more annoying whispered confessionals! bobbyjon and stephenie are hot as usual.. ok nevermind no one understands this fanboy's ramblings.

From Birches, Robert Frost
(yeah yeah i know how everyone hates him, but he does produce gems occasionally)

I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate wilfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.

i am, essentially, a loner.

but i would be happy with a lover.

and sometimes, i think that's the only thing people ever need these days in an ever-changing world where people are friends one day, acquaintances the next, and strangers soon after.

2005-09-10T03:40:00.000+08:00

(at 2323 hours. but photo's been taken long before la. hrrm, rather fitting picture for my orbituary. my arms are too white though, and my nose looks too big, like someone's. mmm.)

and oh, why is everyone doing the same thing as me? (not studying for lit at all) either everyone thinks they're damn good at lit (including delusional me) and thus can sacrifice it and carry the chinese proverbial buddha's foot at the last moment, or rjc's full of liars. hear no evil, picture above still applies.

----

this just happened-

m!ke the bolt reminds me i was there. says:
haha EH
i just thought of this question
how many ways are there for a person to get 6 points in the O levels!

bernie - i put my thang down flip it and reverse it. says:
.. shutup
youre too drowsy go slp

he's right.

but for the record, i think the answer's 42. (isn't that the answer to life, the universe and everything?! cf hitchiker's guide to the galaxy which is still rotting in my room, untouched and collecting dust 5 months after being bought) ok that number seems ridiculously small, you know how P&C questions always seem to have stock answers with astronomical figures. maybe i should ask mr tay.

2005-09-08T02:31:00.000+08:00

the recently concluded project superstar on channel U has been quite interesting, given the winner. i applaud the revised voting system that sets it apart from the idol franchise, according a certain percentage of the contestants' points via judges comments and the rest being the voting public's responsibility. however, even with the judges' overwhelming support for kelly (the female finalist), weilian (the male finalist) still won.

i don't think he would have made it that far if he weren't blind. face it, it's a novelty. while he sings pretty decently he doesn't look that good. isn't that what being a superstar is about? good looks and all. but people always root for the underdog, so good on him. personally, i think kelly should have won. she carries herself better, she can dance without fear of falling off the stage, she looks better, she outperformed him at the finals. but sadly, the public was blinded (pun somewhat intended) by his tenacity and determination.

while those are admirable traits, i don't think that's what we base superstardom on. the word superstar conjures images of glitz, glamour and good looks. not true grit and gumption. if you were to call him an "idol", i might agree but he doesn't fit the "superstar" title. but well, i guess the television people were really smart to include him. it generates controversy, it creates a sob-story. but doesn't that make it unfair, giving him an added advantage. given normal circumstances, someone else would have made it instead of him (i don't know exactly WHO, i only watched the finale)

then again, in situations like so, one has to use anything available to one's advantage. if you're chio, ham it up for the cameras; if you're rich, call in for yourself or bribe others too. why should being blind be any different? it's just another attribute that some have, and others don't. since it's there, might as well use it. while i'm sure weilian didn't mean to and doesn't intend to exploit his handicap, it served him well all the same. similarly, the adage "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" applies.

whatever our lot in life is, we should try to make the best of it. acceptance, and how we move on from there is important. (eek so silas marner!)

-----------

the apple store seems to have disowned the iPod mini like a prodigal son with runaway sales. maybe they stopped production of it. anyhow, the iPod nano's tagline is "impossibly small". i say it's impossibly flimsy. it looks very easy to break it in two. something that's pencil-thin (that's no exaggeration) can't be too strong. while it looks very chic and petite and desirable, i think i'm still happy with my mini (that goes on rebellions ever so often) for the time being... or maybe not. it's in FREAKING COLOUR. maybe it IS the iPod mini, version 2.0. capacity's about the same after all. I WANT I WANT I WANT.

and my musical taste has now evolved into an appreciation for dancey eurotrash. i guess i was always open to anything.

the statcounter numbers are interesting. cos apparently i'm getting more viewers these days. maybe it's the hols. but still! what are you people doing here! go mug! go study! go CRAM! for prelims and promos! shoo shoo shoo what are you doing still reading this?! you don't want to end up like me. you have EXAMS. (except deb, lucky bitch).

i have exams too, but apparently i've given up.

2005-09-07T00:27:00.000+08:00

FUCKED for prelims. hmm maybe those might end up as my grades. (U for S paper) i hereby thank God that i was born a boy, and therefore my prelims don't matter as much in the long-run.

in the ABBA mood lately, mostly cos madonna's new song hung up samples their gimme gimme gimme, with its highstrung whistle-flutes that give a mountainous feel (?!). you can download some of the clips here, she's all set to rule the charts again! oh gosh, why do i even bother posting that link when i know no one's gonna bother clicking it.

anyway, the song reminds me of this poem that edward de cruz went through about say, 4 years ago? hmm. i think Wordsworth would have been shocked out of his wits if the highland lass in question suddenly started cavorting about the wheat fields sluttily pining for him.

comparisons, below.

THE SOLITARY REAPER
by: William Wordsworth (1770-1850)

BEHOLD her, single in the field,
Yon solitary Highland Lass!
Reaping and singing by herself;
Stop here, or gently pass!
Alone she cuts and binds the grain,
And sings a melancholy strain;
O listen! for the Vale profound
Is overflowing with the sound.

No Nightingale did ever chaunt
More welcome notes to weary bands
Of travellers in some shady haunt,
Among Arabian sands:
A voice so shrilling ne'er was heard
In spring-time from the Cuckoo-bird,
Breaking the silence of the seas
Among the farthest Hebrides.

Will no one tell me what she sings?--
Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow
For old, unhappy, far-off things,
And battles long ago:
Or is it some more humble lay,
Familiar matter of to-day?
Some natural sorrow, loss, or pain,
That has been, and may be again?

Whate'er the theme, the Maiden sang
As if her song could have no ending;
I saw her singing at her work,
And o'er the sickle bending;--
I listen'd, motionless and still;
And, as I mounted up the hill,
The music in my heart I bore,
Long after it was heard no more.

--------

Gimme Gimme Gimme
by: ABBA

Half past twelve
and I'm watchin' the late show
in my flat all alone
how I hate to spend
the evening on my own
autumn winds
blowin' outside the window
as I look around the room
and it makes me so
depressed to see the gloom
there's not a soul out there
no one to hear my prayer

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
A man after midnight
won't somebody help me chase the shadows away
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
A man after midnight
take me through the darkness
to the break of the day

Movie stars
find the end of the rainbow
with a fortune to win
it's so different from
the world I'm living in
tired of TV
I open the window
and I gaze into the night
but there's nothing there to see
no one in sight
there's not a soul out there
no one to hear my prayer

2005-09-05T12:02:00.000+08:00

at the time of opening this window, and semi-wondering why i'm blogging, i noticed this:

whilst getting mad at my brother for leaving condensed droplets from his cup of cold water (that an asthmatic like him shouldn't even be drinking, so that i have full monopoly over the iced water jug in the refrigerator) that neglected to have a coaster which resulted in smudged circles of pink and cyan on my AJC econs practice paper; and trick me by kelis (how apt. transparent liquid doesn't appear very well on dark surfaces) starts playing on my ipod, and i only have 2 thoughts.

1. reminds me of the decadent times in j1
2. reminds me of firas' party at his house earlier this year

and then
work it by missy elliot-
is it worth it? let me work it. i put my thing(s) down ~~flip it and reverse it~~ then i start to blog it.

2005-09-04T02:40:00.000+08:00

i wish i were good-looking and desirable.

life would be so much easier that way.

and i didn't even need a pointless postsecret postcard to reveal my greatest insecurity.

did you detect the irony in that?

2005-09-02T22:32:00.000+08:00

You scored as Postmodernist.

Postmodernism is the belief in complete open interpretation. You see the universe as a collection of information with varying ways of putting it together. There is no absolute truth for you; even the most hardened facts are open to interpretation. Meaning relies on context and even the language you use to describe things should be subject to analysis.

Postmodernist 81%

Cultural Creative 75%

Idealist 69%

Existentialist 69%

Romanticist 56%

Fundamentalist 56%

Modernist 44%

Materialist 38%

What is Your World View? (updated)
created with QuizFarm.com

hmm, quite a well-created quiz, besides fucking up the html.

countdown has now reached the single-digit phase. eek.

and Cinderella Man looks like a really good movie, and that's not even considering the fact that it features one of my most favourite actresses. unfortunately, it opens on 15th september, right in the middle of the prelims, just after math paper 2. which means i'd still have another 5 papers to go. maybe i can watch it during that weekend, because by then english and history would be over as well, and i'd only have Senglish (no, not a variation of singlish) and econs MCQ + DRQ left. the worst'd be over by then.

When America was on its knees, he brought them to their feet.

2005-08-31T19:34:00.000+08:00

today got progressively worse. while nicky's teacher's day experience was heartwarming, mine was far from it. unfortunately, mine didn't mirror his as i regressed in reverse chronological order, as the hours went by,to my former schools.

morning in rj wasn't too bad. mr evans' assertion that the harlequin in Heart of Darkness was homosexual was rather amusing. and the teachers loved our little gifts for them.

mr wong (coming back a minute after receiving a bottle of hoegardden from us) : which reminds me, your assignments..
lynette : oh after drinking that, you'll forget all about it!

brian (immediately after thrusting the sparkling grape juice bottle to mrs tan the moment she came out from the staffroom) : m'am it's fake one!
mrs tan : you didn't put something inside that goes "give me A give me A give me A" right

yonghui's tagline for mr lim's (history teacher) 'special brew' : you make the dead look good.

anyway, the concert in the hall was pretty boring. the split-level design of the hall makes it even worse, cos it kind of detaches those on the upper floor from what's really going on. the emcees probably should have broken up into 2 different locations, it would've made the event much livelier. ugh it also gives the national day parade feel though. too many musical items, including a failed budding magician who dropped his freaking wand! but props to his valiant attempts and slickness even in stumbling. guess i should have just gone to the library instead, since apparently they'd stepped down the uptightness about ponning, after national day. BUT luckily i didn't, because i saw something that made me very higggggggghhhhhhhh whee! (:

------

after i was done in rj, it was already 1130. i decided to pop by ri to see the remnants of people still lingering around. only saw ms E quah, mr P lim and mrs Tan mh, who asked me why i was the only one from my class who came to see her, and i couldn't come up with anything really adequate in reply. i guess it was worse seeing the whole of 4H there in full force at the tables next to her favourite table outside SR2. strike 1.

after spending about 10 minutes in ri, i got really bored especially since rosie smith was hustling the teachers off for staff lunch at god-knows-where. which meant that there wouldn't be anyone left to talk to. sweesen who was still there suggested that we go back to our primary school, even though when i came to school in the morning i had absolutely no intention of doing so, cos i hadn't been there in years and it wasn't like i was dying to go anyway. on a whim, i accepted his suggestion.

------

i think i could have saved my time, actually. but i guess after this year, i'll be moving into something different so this is the last chance i'll ever get to go there. well it's not like i can't, just that if even as a student i'm too busy to make time or really care, what makes anyone think it'd be any easier when i'm an adult? it's quite weird though, i think i stopped going to my primary school in either sec2 or 3, probably the former.

so anyway, there we were - the cream building with the concourse whitewashed and repainted an ugly pukegreen shade. the field all restructured such that only a fraction of a patch remained, everything else a concrete slab of basketball court cake. the stage in the hall ostentatiously remodelled such that the steps were no longer at the sides, but the whole length of the stage, giving that wide, superficial hollywood feel as though one were going up to receive an award at the oscars. insistence on the general office for us to get a visitor's pass, the visitor's logbook next to the teachers' one full of unfamiliar and strange names. malay names, a whole stretch of them. i am not racist, but this in an SAP school? there's something wrong there.

we saw mrs G, talking to a mrleonglookalike (whom we later found out was 28 years old, an ex-student) and seeing that she was one of the last few remaining teachers who we could still recognise as part of our primary education, we decided to go over, and that was when it all came crashing down.

she didn't recognise us.

and it was so awkward, so so awkward i don't think i've ever felt that embarrassed in such a long time. the terrible silence that washed over us after she admitted that she couldn't recall who we were (but knew a man who graduated 10 years before us) was so overpowering. we just stood there dumbly, looking at the ground lost in our own private admissions of inadequacies - her, her memory and us our arrogance that we would be remembered no matter what.

what could we have hoped? that people whose only memories of us as cute bubbly kids would continue ruminating over us after we'd left their lives, especially since they wouldn't even know if they'd ever see us again? mrs G herself said that normally the ex-students disappear after sec2. the exception to the rule was 28yearoldman who'd returned every year. of course they'd remember him. not us - those who came and went as we liked, confident that our status as luminaries during our time would keep us forever etched in the minds of our teachers. we are but, as quoted from conrad, merely "jewels flashing in the night of time".

none of the teachers i'd wished to see were there. mr T, mdm L, mr G and mr L had already left the school so nothing doing there. mdm T wasn't at her table and ms S had been on medical leave for a few months. the only two teachers who meant the absolute most to me when i was still a young impressionable boy, and were still teaching there. they'd probably be the only two that could remember me. or maybe they've forgotten too since i got lazy and haven't seen them in ages. out of sight, out of mind. sigh, what a janet/wings relationship a la colin cheong's The Stolen Child. i don't know. at least they weren't there for me to find out the truth about their memories.. just in case it'd be negative. we left notes with our contacts behind. hopefully they'll reply.

and it wasn't just the sense of change that had overrun the school that was oppresive. the feeling of being aged was heavy, when all around us were little sec1 kids yabbering and jabbering away, in their assortment of neighbourhood school uniforms. i felt old, i really did. it's like a whole different generation. i don't think i saw a single rafflesian, or top tier student either. maybe a NY girl here, or a chinese high boy there. tells you a lot about the standard of the school in recent years huh. i guess it was bound to come anyway with the new principal instituting changes and relaxing the firm grip on being bilingual with SAP, diluting the strong chinese culture etc etc. that's what you get when you meddle around with something that's unbroken. i see a similar future for RI with bob koh (changing the physical will soon change the intangible), but that's another story for another day.

mr H saw us as we were leaving, and he evidently didn't want to talk to us, because he too couldn't recall who the hell we were. he smartly turned it around when mrs G started showing off her 28yearold ex-student, by promptly telling us after that that "that should be the way!", after all we've only left for 6 compared to 16 years. also, his primary school was torn down already and that's the only valid reason not to visit your primary school, so we should continue coming.

i was all smiles, but cursing deep within. what's the point of returning, when you can't even remember us. it's so pretentious. but at the rate the school is going down the drain, won't be long before we'll be justified and blameless for not returning. i was very annoyed by his comments. you're not even interested in talking to us, we don't even know anyone else here, it's just for the veneer and sake of keeping up appearances and boosting your ego that your teaching career has spanned so many years and you're tao2 li2 man3 tian1 xia4 so much so that your students are uncountable right. why bother, when i'm just a nameless face with a new pair of specs, and you pretending to recognise me when you really don't.

i felt sorrier for mrs G though, who seemed really genuine as she urged us to come back again. i highly doubt i'll be doing so, but i couldn't bear to tell her that. i didn't want to be rude to mr H either, even though i was very tempted to. he who jokingly (in very bad taste if i might add) proclaimd "ah the boy from the Really Idiotic school!" the moment he saw me when i returned in sec1. i can't warp that impression. even though we've all moved on our separate ways and forgotten each other, with only vague memories and impressions, the image of us as good obedient children will always remain. and an obedient child is never rude to his seniors and elders.

i guess this is really the end. sometime ago i was revisiting all the elements of my past - or rather they came up to me through some incident or another. and then of late, everything's being stripped away. handphone, email, sweet memories of childhood. i feel afraid, like maxine hong-kingston, i'll need to redefine myself totally on my own since lineage is not applicable. "they don't connect" and there's nothing left in the past anymore, besides pristine nostalgia that shouldn't be marred by the jarring truth of altered reality. which is the reason why i got very apprehensive of moving back to bishan at the end of last year. the past and present cannot coincide together, one has to give way to the other.

guess it's appropriate to end off with something nick said -

i miss 6/9 '99 says:
somehow ri didn't hold as much for me.
for some weird reason.
maybe cos i didn't excel enough for the teachers to really remember me.

and to that i say, it doesn't matter how well you do, but how well you bother to make yourself remembered. you're just another student, no matter how stellar you were during your heyday.

2005-08-29T23:19:00.000+08:00

now i know what my weird dream meant. the dream that i had a couple of days back, that had half the GP paper covered in questions that went "with reference to -obscure singaporean trivia(l) historical tidbit that my brain probably conjured whilst REM was underway-, discuss yada yada pseudo important local hotspot issue yada yada". but that was fine, really. what took the cake was question 11/12, i don't know which but it was at the bottom of the paper. it looked curious, because it was divided into 2 parts, part A worth [10] and part B worth [15], which went something like "discuss the problems of statistics and something". and i attempted it. of course the details of what i actually wrote don't register in my subconscious, since i woke up soon after wondering (i) since when did GP essays come in 2 parts (ii) with half the total marks of a normal GP essay, no less and (iii) FREAKING HELL ECONS HAS INFILTRATED GP EEEK!!

that was all in the dream of course. lo and behold, today i get a stupid question on "blogging and podcasting have little use beyond allowing the individual to indulge in narcissistic exhibitionism" or something along those lines. clever me decides that even though i have no idea WTF podcasting is, since i know a hell lot of empirical evidence on blogs, i might as well do the question, promptly generalising the whole affair as "online journaling". ok actually i don't exactly see much significance there besides me effectively doing only half a question and hence i should get at least my 15/25 just like in the dream. ok whatever. that doesn't make sense but oh gosh. what's more, i should be shot for not knowing what podcasting (what an idiotic sounding term) is since i own an ipod. matin said that i obviously haven't been updating my itunes (which is right) since if i had there would be a fucking podcast option under the library button and oh well-

so there's any hope of distinction down the drain.

and pc was infinitely worse, dozing off for half the time and feeling absolutely unconfident about drama, randomly throwing in phrases and words like "black comedy", "abusive" and "antagonistic" - or maybe i didn't, and merely imagined that i had in that semi-dream state between lucidity and lunacy. then again, not like the poetry comparison was any better, i merely identified the first as literal and the second as allegorical.. and then got stuck.

note to self : the best way to prepare for exams isn't to cram, or take tonics. it all boils down to having a good night's sleep. i fully intend to follow this for all subsequent papers.

-----

anyway, i am thisclose to going over the edge. it's insane, the chunks of exams that we have to go through. 3hr3hr3hrHEY! they should have prepared us for this much earlier, only history and math came close to emulating the shiong nature of our papers. and now suddenly everything has exploded in duration. after just 2 papers (or 6 hours) i feel totally burnt out. i don't know if i can survive the prelims, let alone the As. maybe i'm just not cut out for this, and that i'm deluding myself. it's not too late to drop out, or like drop a subject or something. hopefully today was just a bad day. in any case - need to work on stamina.

it doesn't help either having endless mountains of loose sheets of paper all over the house. OMFG i swear if you wanted to make me cry all you'd need to do would be to lock me up in a freaking filing cabinet room and then accidentally tip open all the drawers. i was all ready to add to the foul gases that the seventh month believers and columbarium produce with a huge bonfire just now. this is why my new best friend is Mr Giant Stapler! CHARR. CHARR. CHARR. and all those annoying sheaves automatically combine to become one big l'il neat pile. i love that! who cares if a page of frost moves on to one on othello. as long as there is ORDER. i cannot believe in that order in chaos bullshit anymore; there is only order in.. orderly multi-coloured transparent management files and humongous folders.

this morning, i had this sudden wish that i was taking bio/chem/math/lit instead of what i'm taking now. which is the next best thing to bio/econs/math/lit (that i considered as an alternative to a full-blown arts combination) which eva hor told me didn't exist because bio had to be done with chem or something, way back in sec4 when the rj peeps dropped by for their recruitment spiel. come to think of it, chem vs econs sounds much tastier too. at least i'd have a better chance at getting an A, according to the statistics. i miss bio, i really do.

oh well - tomorrow will be better, as i always try deceiving myself.